Food jokes (1336 to 1350)

A very elderly couple is havin...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

 Silly Collection 26

Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tied!

Who was the Black Prince?
The son of Old King Cole!

Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?

No, what about him?
Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in!

Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?
So he could tell the time at night!

Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!

Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway!

What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!

How do Welsh people eat cheese?
Caerphilly!

Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!

Some 'Senior' personal ads s...

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

“Religious vultures p

“Religious vultures prey for their food.”

Mr Jones had a leak in the roo...

Mr Jones had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Jones scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

“The food they serve

“The food they serve to guards can last for sentries.”

 To Do In Space Station

The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
   
2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
   
3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!
   
   
4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
   
5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
   
6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
   
7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
   
8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
   
9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
   
10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.
    

A lady is throwing a party for

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone allout..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the partystarted, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for thebums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they willhelp chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rearof the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having awonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, theclown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and wouldprobably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain thechildren herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of thebums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung fromtree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing isabsolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think yourfriend would consider repeating this performance for the children at theparty? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

 Signs And Notices 19

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 Go To Save My Friend

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

I Am Not Forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A Memory To Remember!

So this reporter checks in at some old hotel smack in middle of nowhere. Coming into the lobby, he is confronted with the strange sight of an old Indian, whittling stick, long black hair, reddish skin, sitting on one of the chairs as if he intends never to get up.

"That's Old Chief Forget-Me-Not," whispers the man behind the desk reverently, "he is allowed to stay here for free because he let me build my hotel on his reservation."

"Why the weird name?" whispers the reporter.

"Old Chief NEVER forgets anything that happened to him since he was two. Now he is 102. Fantastic memory."

Once the reporter has checked in, he decides to check out old Forget-Me-Not.

"Hey Chief!" he calls, "What'd you have for breakfast on the morning of your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," replies the Chief without even looking up.

The reporter is so amazed, he jumps in his car and drives at least two hours over to where his other reporter friend is staying. Once telling the story over, both reporters jump in the car and drive right back two hours to the hotel, smelling a big scoop.

On the way, the second reporter tells the first: "Why don't you address the Chief more respectfully, so he'll demonstrate to us more?"

Following his friend's advice, the first reporter greets the Chief with a resounding "HOW!!"

"Scrambled," replies the Chief.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear uscomplaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all commentsbecome Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes yousad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example,is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine . . . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics asfootball or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.

 Elephant Jokes 05

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!

Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?
"
Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"
Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!