Friday jokes - jokes about friday and friday 13th (181 to 195)

Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there's baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.”

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol….”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is Sol,” whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe says, “I got good news and I got bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You're pitching on Friday.”

Bob was in trouble. He forgot ...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

T-G-I-F

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke."
"And you?"
"I'll have the same," the ostrich replies.

They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50."
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.
They do this every day till Friday.

"The usual?" she asked.
"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich.
They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95."
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded.
"How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man.
"I was cleaning my attic, and I found a dusty lamp.
I rubbed it, and a genie appeared.

"Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."

"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. ]
But what's with the ostrich?"

"Well," said the man.
"I also asked for a chick with long legs."

A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Someone who gets run over at a...

Someone who gets run over at a Black Friday sale: Wal-Martyr.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Bloopers in the church

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Buying paint....

BUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
====
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

Two men, moderately proficient...

Two men, moderately proficient in Yiddish, were lamenting the fact that there are Yiddish expressions that you can't translate well into English. Furthermore, there were some English words that cannot not be easily translated into Yiddish. One man said to the other, I have difficulty finding a Yiddish word that adequately conveys the concept of of the English word "disappointed." His friend said, "My mother speaks only Yiddish. I'll find out from her how to say disappointed in Yiddish."

The man goes to his mother's house and say's "Mama, you know that I always come over for Shabbos dinner every Friday night. How would you feel if, one Friday, I called and said I wouldn't be coming over for Shabbos?"

The mother replied, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed!"

The teacher said: Tommy, this...

The teacher said: Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school. What have you to say for yourself?

I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.

Weekend

Contributed by Aaron Ray

A balding, white haired gentleman from St. Augustine Beach, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past last Friday evening with a beautiful ... much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and quickly brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "Oh No, I'd like to see something more special than that!"

At that statement, the jeweler went to his safe for his special stock and brought out another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said .. as he watched the young lady's eyes sparkle and shine and her whole body begin to trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this .. smiled and said, "Ok, That's the one. We'll take it."

When the jeweler inquired as to how payment would be made, the man stated, "I'll just write you a check. But since I know you'll want to make sure my check is good first, I'll write it tonight and you can call the bank Monday morning to verify the funds and then we'll just drop by and pick up the ring sometime on Monday afternoon."

"That will be just fine" said the jeweler "I'll get it polished and packaged especially for you" ...!

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said .. "You #$(@ ##@ sew and sew .... there's only $25 in your checking account."

"Yep, I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about the unbelievable weekend I just had!!!

See... Not All Seniors Are Senile!!!

T.G.I.F

Contributed by Guy Dittmar

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again said, 'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means...

'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'!!!

Good To Be Chemist

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST
- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses
.
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.
- The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my results?"
- Because it's pHun :)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night (You're working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

Exact change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, ‘What's yours?'

‘I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, ‘I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?' asks the waitress.

‘No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

‘Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

‘Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

‘That's brilliant!' says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

‘That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, ‘What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs… pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'