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Friday jokes - jokes about friday and friday 13th (196 to 210)Jokes about friday and friday 13th. These are the jokes listed 196 to 210. |
What The Job Ad Says
Ground floor opportunity-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company
- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player
-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personalities
-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential
-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important
-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Salary range $24K to $32K
-The salary is $24K
Will train
-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
BA required, MA preferred
-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
Civil service
-This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Outstanding benefits package
-Health insurance
Tons of variety
-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
Top notch communication skills
-Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive locale
-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
Secretary
-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary
-The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated
-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate
-We'll pay you whatever the we feel like
Salary negotiable
-We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary
-We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!
Competitive starting salary
-Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere
-A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere
-Zombie pod people
Self-starter
-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means
A woman steps into an elevator...
A woman steps into an elevator. There is already a fellow standing there, patiently. As the doors close, the woman turns to the man and says "T-G-I-F".The man replies "S-H-I-T".
The woman is perplexed as she repeats "T-G-I-F".
The man states again "S-H-I-T".
"I am sorry," she says "but I think there is a misunderstanding. I meant T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday."
The man smiles sympathetically and says. "S-H-I-T. Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
Alaskan Birthday Party
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there."Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Taliban TV Guide
Taliban TV GuideMONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Church Bulletins
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
When the rod in her closet fel...
When the rod in her closet fell from the weight of her clothes Sally decided to donate some. While gathering the garments she no longer wore, she checked the pockets in one coat and found a ticket for shoes she’d brought in for repairs nearly four years before. “So that’s what happened to those,” she muttered. Later that day after dropping off the clothes, she decided to see if the repairman still had the shoes. After studying the ticket, the man said. “I’m sorry, but those won’t be ready until Friday.”Mr. Trent always scheduled the...
Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. “I will tell you why … I’ve leaned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”Alaskan Birthday Party
Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there."Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".
Ole and Lena went to the same ...
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in Westby next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Westby.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
