Fruit jokes (151 to 165)

You Want Children?

Are You Ready for Children?
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 Fun At Others Expense

30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others

1. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
   
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   
3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
   
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
   
8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
   
9. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
   
10. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
    
11. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
    
12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    
13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
    
14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    
15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
    
16. Honk and wave to strangers.
    
17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
    
18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
    
19. type only in lowercase.
    
20. dont use any punctuation either
    
21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
    
22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
    
23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    
24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
    
25. Ask people what gender they are.
    
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
    
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    
28. Sing along at the opera.
    

Carl was talking to a girl in

Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"
The girl replied, "Certainly."
Carl then asked, "What would you like?"
The girl said, "Champagne."
Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"
The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."

Mrs. Lang, a fourth-grade teac

Mrs. Lang, a fourth-grade teacher, was instructing her class on American history.
"George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it," she said. "Now, Sally, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
"That's simple," Sally replied. "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

Life's questions...

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Or cat-flavored dog food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

“I forgot the French

“I forgot the French for strawberry, so I looked it up in a fraise book.”

“When a shipment of l

“When a shipment of large fruit was delivered by boat to the warehouse, it was the first water mailin'.”

 Your Kid Has Been Kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

 Business One-liners 75

In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 Convince These Students

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.
A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

---

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

How You Made Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

“What do you call a s

“What do you call a sour orange that was late to school? Tarty!”

There's a serious citrus

There's a serious citrus fruit shortage in the Caribbean. Can you hear the lemoned Haitians?

 Knock Knock Collection 015

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anthony!
Anthony who!
Anthony you want!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple!
Apple who?
Apple your hair if you don't let me in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arbus!
Arbus who?
Arbus leaves in 5 minutes?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arch!
Arch who?
You catching a cold?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aretha!
Aretha who?
Aretha flowers!

Unexpected cold snaps had dest...

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on a man's peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, he was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day, the man was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give his dog a drink from the garden hose.
A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"