Fruit jokes (676 to 690)

A man walks into a doctor's su...

A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

Birth control pills....

An elderly woman went into the doctorÂ’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "IÂ’d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youÂ’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughterÂ’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Q. How does a moulded fruit-fl...

Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?

A. Jell-o!

A little old man shuffled slow...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

The children were lined up in ...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Better write it down...

My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"

"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.

Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.

You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.

Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.

She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...

Hair Color

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

What's orange and sounds like ...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Decisions

There are three guys in a small boat and it's sinking fast.

In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.

They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.

"Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese," says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.

"Yeah, and I have too many bananas," says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.

"Well, let me think," says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

The Importance of Fresh Produce

Two boys, aged eight and four, were discussing Adam and Eve.
The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?"
And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."

Ever wonder WHY … Ever wonder WHY …

• the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
• they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
• don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice

There were these 4 guys, a Rus...

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who
found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, He
said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A
wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the
pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted,
"WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so
happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and
immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented
with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He
steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!! .......... "
LESSON IV: "THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES
ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN"

Indian pop hits

The Indian Top 10:

1. Tears on My Pillau.

2. Its my chappalti and I'll cry if I want to.

3. Tikka Chance on Me.

4. Scatnaan.

5. Korma Korma Chameleon.

6. What's the Story Morning Tandoori.

7. Easy like Sanjay Morning.

8. You Can't Curry Love.

9. Poppadum Preach.

10. Sheikh Your Body. All available on the fantastic new album, Turban Hymns by Donner Summer.

Bohemian Curry (sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

Naan-aa, just killed a man

Poppadom against his head

Had lime pickle, now he's dead.

Naan-aa, dinner just begun

But now I'm going to crap it all away.

Naan-aa,

ooh-ooh

Didn't mean to make you cry,

Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,

Curry on, Curry on,

'cause nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinner's gone

Sends shivers up my spine

Rectum aching all the time.

Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

Naan-aa,

ooh-ooh,

This Dopiaza's mild,

I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...

(Guitar solo)

I see a little chicken tikka on the side,

Rogan Josh,

Rogan Josh

Pass the chutney made of mango.

Vindaloo does nicely

Nery very spicy

ME!

Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani (Biryani)

Biryani and a naan,

(A vindaloo loo looo... )

I've eaten balti, somebody help me

He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory,

Stand you well back

Cause this loo is quarantined.

Here it comes,

There it goes,

Technicolor yawn.

I chunder

No!

It's coming up again

(There he goes)

I chunder

It's coming up again

(There he goes)

It's coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again (up again)

Here it comes again

(No no no no no no no no no No).

On my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees, Oh there he goes

This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts

Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!

(Guitar solo)

So you think you can chunder and still it's all right?

So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?

Ooh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,

just had to come out,

just had to come right out in here...

(Guitar solo)

Korma, saag or bhuna,

Balti, naan, bhaji.

Nothing makes a difference

Nothing makes a difference to me.

If a crocodile makes shoes, wh...

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
Slippers