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Lawyer jokes - jokes about lawyers (286 to 300)Jokes about lawyer. These are funny jokes with lawyers! These are the jokes listed 286 to 300. |
Orange
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
A very successful lawyer parke
A very successful lawyer parked his shiny new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically. His Lexus was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally stopped ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you're not even aware your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Help!" screamed the man. "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Husband and his wife were cele
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor."Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
Match Made in Heaven
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious argument
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
A man was involved in an auto
A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A man sat in his attorney's o
A man sat in his attorney's office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man, incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A lawyer returns to his parked...
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your BMW. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
A lawyer is standing in a long...
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around and asks, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" 
