Monday jokes - jokes about monday (1 to 15)

Some short Labor Day Jokes

First Monday in September is Labor Day, enjoy Monday Off.

I had a joke about Labor Day...
unfortunately it didn’t work out

Did you hear the joke about Labor Day?
It really doesn’t work for me.

What’s a laborer’s favorite exercise?
“Work-outs!”

Have some jokes during 3 day weekend and check out some older Older Labor day jokes Read more on page:

Why is it cheap to have zombie employees?
Because they don’t need a living wage.

What did the employee say at the end of the long weekend?
I guess it’s back to the grind!

What do you usually do on Labour Day?
As little as possible, just like every day!

Memorial Day jokes for 2024

Observed on the last Monday in May every year, Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States that honors and remembers those who have died while serving in the military.
Enjoy these light-hearted jokes to add some fun to your Memorial Day!

Why did the soldier bring a ladder to the barbecue?
He wanted to raise the steaks!

What do army guys say when they forget Memorial Day?
Ah, shoot!

What is your favorite Memorial Day tradition?
Spilling BBQ sauce on white pants.

Which day do Alzheimer's patients forget?
Memorial Day.

A small boy was staring at the names on a wall.
The pastor explained,
"They are those who died in the service."
The boy asked,
"The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

What's a cow's favorite Memorial Day activity?
Going to the moo-vies!

Why are there no knock-knock jokes on Memorial Day?
Because freedom rings!

Did you hear about the man who got his car's AC fixed after Memorial Day?
He came back singing "Freon isn't Free."

Why don't soldiers play hide and seek on Memorial Day?
Because good luck hiding when everyone's off duty!

What is the best Memorial Day Sales pitch?
To remember the millions of brave soldiers who died for our country, we're giving you 30% off on all corduroy pants and toaster ovens.

What's the favorite thing about Memorial Day for employees?
Saying to co-workers, "See you next Tuesday."

What do army guys read on Memorial Day?
Magazine.

On Memorial Day, the teacher asked the students, "Do you know why God created wars?"
Someone among students: To teach us, geography?!

How can you offend a close relative of a fallen soldier on Memorial Day?
Wish them "Happy Memorial Day."

Do you know that The Air Force is the most patriotic arm of the US military?
Because they're USAF.

What fruit do soldiers hate?
The Pommegranade.

In the military, how do you refer to children?
Infantry.

April Fools’ Day Jokes - prank or get pranked

April Fools’ Day is the favorite holiday of which animal?
The silly goose!

April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.

Believe nothing and trust no one this April Fools’ Day.
So it’s just like any other day.

You are here for pranks, not jokes? Check some classic April Fools’ pranks on our April Fools’ archives page

Excuse me, sir. Do you think they named April Fools’ Day in your honor?

How is April Fools’ Day like a huge open mic night?
Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent.
Just kidding—rent isn’t due today!

Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day.
I can be fooled any day of the year.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good April Fools' joke?

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just an April Fools' joke.

Who needs April Fools’ Day when your whole life is a joke?
April fools.

Who needs a day for the fools?
I’m surrounded by them all year.

Why can April jump so high?
It’s spring!

Why should you avoid the stairs on April Fools' Day?
Because they're always up to something.

Why shouldn't you tell ducks jokes on April Fools' Day?
They'll quack up.

Why was everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What do you call a realistic prankster?
A practical joker.

What do you call an overflowing toilet on April Fools' Day?
A septic prank.

What do you call a research organization on April Fools' Day?
A think prank.

What do you call a stepladder’s favorite holiday?
April Stools’ Day.

What do you call an open-toad's favorite holiday?
April Fools’ Day.

What do you call an umbrella's favorite holiday?
April Showers Day.

Some April Fools’ Day pranks never get old!
Check these Pranks you can play on people to make this one of the best April Fools’ Days ever!

What do you call a hammer bought on April 1?
An April tool.

What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award?
Prank you very much!

What did the calendar say after April Fools' was declared a holiday?
"Prank you, prank you very much."

What did you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?
It’s fowl spring weather.

What do you call a sunny day that follows two rainy April days?
Monday.

What's the April Fool’s lucky card in the deck?
The Joker.

What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fools’ Day?
On one you’re thankful, and on the other you’re prankful.

Why do omelettes love April Fools' Day?
They enjoy practical yolks.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they just finished a long 31-day March.

Why was the donkey annoying his friend?
It was April Mules’ Day.

You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

• Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
• You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
• Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
• Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
• If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
• How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
• Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
• I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
• I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
• Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
• What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
• What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
• What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
• What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
• What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
• Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
• Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
• Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
• Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
• Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
• It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
• Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
• I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
• Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
• My job is secure. No one else needs it.
• It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
• Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
• What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
• Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
• What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
• My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
• I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
• Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
• Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
• Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
• I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
• I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
• What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
• What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
• Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
• Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
• When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
• The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
• The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
• Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
• Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
• Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
• What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
• Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
• What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
• I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
• The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
• Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
• Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
• What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
• I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.

8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!

22 Friday The 13th Jokes

What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.

Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.

What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.

What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.

Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.

Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.

Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.

Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.

What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.

Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.

What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.

Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.

What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.

Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.

Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.

How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.

Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.

What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.

What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.

What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.

Mexican Restaurant

A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it wasn't open.
So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.
"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

17 Labor Day Jokes to enjoy Monday Off

Labor Day always falls on the first Monday in September, have some jokes during 3 day weekend

Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day!

When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father’s Day.

Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn’t we call today "No-Labor Day?"

What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It’s just a little get-together.

Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system.

Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind!

I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two".

Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.

Why are zombies free labor?
They don’t need a living wage.

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.

Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme.

What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection.

What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent.

How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day.

Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking.

What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it’s Labor Day.

Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.

A few fresh jokes to start Monday with a smile on your face

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese. "Sorry" she replied. "We only accept cash"

A fly with a bug on its back said
Hey is that a mite? The mite replied "I mite be".
The fly replied that's the worst joke I've ever heard!
The mite said, well I came up with it on the fly!

I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him…
He was useless!
I need a flatter dog!

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me...
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

Company Man

Always give 100% at work!
Monday - 14%
Tuesday: - 26%
Wednesday - 42%
Thursday - 15%
Friday - 3%

Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen."

Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong".
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
It's a light sentence.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens…
They are calling it Apollo G!

It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
It was raining cats and dogs!

Monday is easier with funny jokes

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!

A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!

My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.

What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years

What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.

I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?

Happy Monday! Check out new jokes!

I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but the front door looks great!

Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.
Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

If I'm reading their lips correctly …
My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I married my wife for her looks.
Though not the ones she been giving me lately.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

English lesson…

Tsunami
T is silent

Psychology
P is silent

Knife
K is silent

Honest
H is silent

Wife
Husband is silent

It is easier to start Monday with these new short jokes

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A KNiFe.

I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.

How much room does fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as it takes.

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.
That was difficult to hear.

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.

Few new jokes to make Monday more tolerable

Today I saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
Guess he was working from home.

What did the tree say to the new spring flower?
I'm rooting for you.

- Why don't flowers like to ride bicycles?
Because they keep losing their petals!

- What did one spring chicken say to the other?
You are eggcellent!

- What falls, but never needs a bandage?
The rain!

- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.

Yesterday, I watched our wedding video in reverse.
It was quite uplifting to see myself removing the ring from my wife's finger, exiting the church, and heading out for drinks with my closest buddies.