Mother jokesJokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15. |
A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut...
A 17-year-old boy, who works part-time at Pizza Hut, pulls up to his house in a stunning Porsche.His parents are immediately suspicious, knowing there's no way his after-school job could have paid for such an expensive car. "Where did you get that car?" they shout, astonished.
"I bought it today," the boy replies calmly.
"With what money?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and there's no way you can afford it!"
The boy shrugs. "It’s used, and I got a great deal. I only paid $20 for it."
His parents are even more shocked. "Who would sell a Porsche for $20?!"
"The woman up the street," the boy explains. "She just moved in. I delivered a pizza to her, and she offered to sell me the Porsche for $20."
Baffled, his parents rush to the neighbor’s house, ready for an explanation. They find her calmly planting flowers in her yard. "I'm the father of the boy you sold a Porsche to for $20," the dad says. "We need to know why you sold it so cheap!"
The woman, without looking up, responds, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it turns out he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't plan on coming back."
The boy's mom, still confused, asks, "But what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?"
With a satisfied smile, the woman replies, "My husband told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money—so I did."
A guy dies and goes to heaven
A guy dies and goes to heaven.He looks around and sees clocks.
He asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?"
He replies "OH, those are lie clocks, everytime you lie the hands move."
"Whose is that?"
"Mother Teresa's. Its never moved."
"How about that one?"
"Oh, thats Abe Lincoln's. Its moved a bit."
The man thinks awhile and asks,"What about [insert politician here]'s clock?"
"Oh that ones in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous...
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Guy with a cat wins the lottery
So he gets extended leave from his job, packs his things and buys a ticket for South America. Problem is, he needs someone to take care of his cat. So he calls a friend. "Hey John, I need you to take care of my cat for 3 months".
"Three months?!"
"Yeah, but don't worry, all you need to do is feed her a 3 times a day, change her sand, play with her a bit and, god forbid, take her to the vet if she needs anything".
"Damn, so... what if she..."
"I have a plan for that too. Call me and say-"
"That she died?"
"No! Heavens no! I could not take that! You need to let me down easy. Just call me and tell me she climbed on the roof".
"On the roof?"
"Well... then tell me everything is fine. Remember: let me down easy! So say 'The fire department came and is trying to get her down, but all is good, no worries'".
"Okay?"
"After 20 minutes, call me and say 'She fell off the roof but she is fine. I'm taking her to the vet just in case. All is good, no worries'". "THEN, after an hour call me and say 'The doctor says she is fine other than a broken rib, so we'll run a few tests. All is good, no worries.'" "When 30 minutes pass, call me and say 'She needed surgery, her rib caused some bleeding, but she is recovering nicely. I'll talk to you when we get home. All is good, no worries'".
"Oh boy, are you-"
"Then wait for 30 minutes, call me and say 'Hey man, I don't know how to say this but, she didn't make it. I'm so sorry'".
"Dude, are you done? I got it. If your cat dies, I'll let you down easy. No worries".
The man says goodbye to his cat and leaves. Upon arriving in South America, he gets a call from John. Visibly worried, he answers "What is it, is my cat okay!?"
"What? Yeah, she's fine."
"Really? Do you mean that?"
"Yeah man, all is good. No worries. It's just that... Your mother climbed on the roof."
Bible Jokes - Two for One
Did you know that camel cigarettes are mentioned in the Bible?
Genesis 24:64 (KJV)
And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
———
Honda cars are also in the Bible! They’re so quiet, they’re good for praying in.
Acts 1:14 (KJV)
These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog...
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."
