Mother jokes (181 to 195)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 181 to 195. |
A little boy came home from sc
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000."
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
I Know Something
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"
He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?"
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy init! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot andone for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied shewas so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don'tremember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five tosix ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you somuch that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She triedin vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Momexplained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it'sme?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Pleasedon't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do Icost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging andkissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked hisdad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Momasked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happenwith this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The mannamed Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but hiswife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, Jamesasked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, ratherwrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and thenasked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particularSunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extendedtoward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, weare but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my veryobedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audiblyin her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
17 Thanksgiving jokes and quotes
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma Lee.
Norma Lee who?
Norma Lee I don't eat this much!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? - Peach gobbler!
Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who? Tamara we'll have turkey leftovers!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats!
What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
A new survey found that 80% of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.
Jimmy Fallon
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
"What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?"
"If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for?
Their age!
What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Application & Rules for Dating my Daughter – Published Annually on her Birthday
Application For Permission To Date My Daughter.
=======================================
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME: ___________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: ____________
HEIGHT: _______________ WEIGHT: __________________ IQ: _______________
INCOME TAX NUMBER: ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE: _______________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: ________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS: ____________________ CITY: ___________ POSTCODE: _____
Do you have parents? Yes ___No_____
Is one male and the other female Yes ___No_____
If No, explain: _______________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married: ________________________________
If less than your age, explain: ___________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? Yes __No__
B. A truck with oversized tyres? Yes __No__
C. A waterbed? Yes __No__
D. A vehicle with a mattress in the back? Yes __No__
E. A tattoo? Yes __No__
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly
button ring? Yes __No__
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend: __________________________________________________
How often you attend: ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _______________________
Mother? ______________________
Priest or Pastor? _______________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ___________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _____________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS.
___________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ____________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here)
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and beep you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Signs Found In The Kitchen
1. So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
2. Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
3. I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
4. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
5. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
6. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
7. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
8. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
9. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
10. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
11. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
12. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
13. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
14. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
15. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
16. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
17. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
18. I'd live life in the fast lane, but I a married to a speed bump.
19. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
20. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Control Your Sideline Coach!
One of the youth soccer coaches didn't care much for my refereeing and had no problem letting me know it. Fed up, I politely threatened him with a send-off if he didn't stop.
He calmed down, but an older woman took up where he'd left off. "You'd better control your sideline," I warned the coach.
The coach turned to the woman and barked, "Knock it off, Mom!"
Miss Jones had been giving her
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
For his birthday, little Patri
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Thoughts And Quotes
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
