Mother jokes (211 to 225)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 211 to 225. |
That's One Way to Order Chicken
Kofi walks in to a restaurant and wants to order chicken. Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can't remember how to say chicken in English.
Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it.
Kofi points to the plate of eggs and says to the waiter, “I want their mother!"
Broke student
A college freshman called up his mother and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His mother said,
"Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your
calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago.
Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the student.
So his mom wrapped up the book and mailed it. Dad asked,
"Well how much did you give him?"
"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $500."
"That's $520!" said dad, "Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry honey," mom said. "I taped the $20 check to the
cover of his book, but I put the $500 one somewhere in ...
chapter 19!
Found on https://vk.com/notes15935520, posted by Liana Parhanita, on 4 Mar 2010
I Get No Respect 06
"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"
Is it a good baby?
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's surgery.
"Why is your stomach so big?" he asks.
"I'm having a baby," she replies.
"Is the baby in your stomach?" he asks, with his big eyes.
"Yes, it is," she says.
"Is it a good baby?" he asks, with a puzzled look.
"Oh, yes. A really good baby," the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: "Then why did you eat him?"
Dinner prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she actually knows how to cook!”
Found on https://britishexpats.com forum, topic Bad Jokes, published on Jan 29th 2012 by Tweedpipe
Happy National Tell A Joke Day!
E-Mail to Loving Wife
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer .
Unfortunately, he forgot his wife’s exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.“
The same joke, placed elsewhere, and with more wording to it:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: November 18, 2004
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.
Both jokes found on https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/hotmail/, Last updated: 20 October 2007, older references no longer exist
Tea set
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Stomach ache
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
She then prepared a bowl of soup. Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner.
The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said:
"That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
Found on http://www.crochetnmore.com posted on May 15, 2005
A baby polar bear goes up to h
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f***** freezing!"
