Mother jokes (271 to 285)

A mother is driving a little g...

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite.."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says,"those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything ! on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know! why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

A young Southern couple got ma

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon, darlin?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

The Wisdom of King Solomon

During King Solomon's reign, there was a handsome, successful young man who was wanted by all the young maidens in the kingdom. This young man was certainly aware of his advantages, and he would go wild with different girls and promise each of them the whole world. While most of the ladies knew he could not be trusted, two young women took his words seriously and announced to their family that they were going to marry the most successful and beautiful man in the kingdom.

The rumors of the marriage spread, and the two mothers of the young women who heard that someone else would marry the wanted man began to quarrel over the fate and future of their daughters. After failing to settle the dispute, the two mothers decided to go to King Solomon, the wisest man, and ask him to decide which of their daughters would marry the boy.

They dragged the young man to court and made their claims to the wise king. Solomon listened to them patiently, and after they finished he ordered, 'Bring me the greatest sword in the palace, I will split the man in two, and each woman will receive half of him!'

The first mother looked rather indifferent and said, 'Bring him the sword.'
The other mother, who was shocked by the order, yelled, 'Your majesty, remove the command, I will give up the groom-only do not spill his blood!'
King Solomon looked at the two women with a big smile and said, 'The first mother’s daughter will marry the young man!'
The confused court clerk turned to Solomon and said, 'My wise king, aren’t you confused? The first mother was willing to cut that young man into two!'
'Right!' King Solomon replied, 'This proves that she is worthy of being his real Mother in law!'

A young man was walking throug

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Man: Just look at that young p

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A man, called to testify at th

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the rabbi.

Who's Art in Heaven?

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike."Art who?" asked the boy's mother."Art in heaven," came the reply.

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Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A small boy is wandering in a

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a pound, leave us alone."
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 pounds.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

Halloween 2018 short jokes

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo!

What kind of instrument do you play on Halloween?
A Spook-ulele.

What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room?

A Spoo-key

Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love.

How do vampires get around on Halloween?
In blood vessels

What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.

Man vs Woman _ Part 2

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Your coworker has 8 body pierc

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????

There was this young couple wh

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "Oh my! With gum disease like that, it's no wonder you have no teeth!!"

A man walked into the bar and

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"

A new neigbour arrives. The ki...

A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"
The other kid answers, "Alaska".
The first one replies, "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask 'er myself!"