Mother jokes (286 to 300)

A small boy is wandering in a

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a pound, leave us alone."
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 pounds.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

Halloween 2018 short jokes

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo!

What kind of instrument do you play on Halloween?
A Spook-ulele.

What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room?

A Spoo-key

Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
They have no body to love.

How do vampires get around on Halloween?
In blood vessels

What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.

Man vs Woman _ Part 2

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Your coworker has 8 body pierc

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????

There was this young couple wh

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy's mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here's the moment we've been waiting for.... It's time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I'm not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That's nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "Oh my! With gum disease like that, it's no wonder you have no teeth!!"

A man walked into the bar and

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"

A new neigbour arrives. The ki...

A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"
The other kid answers, "Alaska".
The first one replies, "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask 'er myself!"

A little girl asked her mom...

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and that should ask you."
Her dad said, "Bring Susie over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her dad said, "Where's Susie?"
The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

Adam's Rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as if he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Little Paul says to his father...

Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married."
His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I've found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"My grandma."
"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."

What A Large Crowd

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

I'm not saying let's go kill...

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out."What do you have there?" his mother asked.With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Prom Night was coming up, and

Prom Night was coming up, and a girl announced to her boyfriend that she wanted to make it special and take a hotel room for the night.
Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.
The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer...5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."