Mother jokes (1141 to 1155)

Beans

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."

A bowl of soup...

Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.

When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."

There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."

Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

A mother mouse and a baby mous...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

A mother mouse and a baby mous...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Really funny jokes-Debbie had a gun

Doing Cartwheel

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling,

“Mommy, I got five dollars!”

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.”

The mother told her daughter, “Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties.”

“OOOOhhhh” said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,

“Mommy, I got ten dollars.”

The mother asked, “Where did you get the ten dollars from?”

The little girl replied, “Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree.”

The mother replied, “Didn't I tell you that he is…”

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said,

“It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.”

Early one morning, a mother we...

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

The habit...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

Thing to declare

A young woman on a flight from Aukland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Raining in New York

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They're waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.

On safari...

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

A mother was preparing pancake...

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A three-year-old had been told...

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station…. tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.