Mother jokes (121 to 135)

A young Asian mother had just

A young Asian mother had just given birth to a baby boy. Her name was Ting. When her husband, his name is Wong, arrived to see the newborn, the Nurse brought in a Blond Haired Blue Eyed baby boy.
The Nurse said, "How do you like you new son, do you have a name for him yet?"
Wong looked at his wife Ting and then at the Nurse. "Yes," he said, "I name him SOME TING WONG."

17 new Thanksgiving jokes for 2020

Q: What happens when cranberries get sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: Why was the soup at Thanksgiving so pricey?
A: It had 24 carrots.

Q: What kind of 'tude is appropriate at the family dinner?
A: Gratitude.

Q: Why was the turkey put in jail?
A: The police suspected fowl play.

Q: What's Frankenstein's favorite Thanksgiving dish?
A: Monster mash potatoes and grave-y.

Q: Why did Mom's turkey seasoning taste a little off last year?
A: She ran out of thyme.

Q: What did the Pilgrim wear to dinner?
A: A (har)vest.

Q: What can you call your brother who falls asleep after dinner?
A: Your napkin.

Q: What did the salad say to the butter who kept making jokes?
A: You're on a roll.

Q: What's a running turkey called?
A: Fast food.

Q: Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?
A: Your close group of Palgrims.

Q: Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner?
A: He was ready for a roast.

Q:On Thanksgiving, what does Dad have in common with an exhausted baseball player?
A: They're both likely to fall asleep between plates.

Q: What's one thing that you'll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
A: You'll both be filled with stuffing.

Q:How can you unlock the greatest Thanksgiving experience ever?
A: By making sure to bring the tur-key.

Q: With Coronavirus being a possible concern this year, what's likely to be the most popular side dish?
A: Masked potatoes.

Q: Why were the beans accused of being jealous of the other side dishes?
A: They were so green.

A mother was worried that her

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.
"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said, "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."
The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

True Horror Story

Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone.
The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question..."

A nun is sitting with her Moth

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

You Can Stay

The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there's his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
The man says, "Sure you can." And he closes the door.

As Gayle was getting to know J

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then they married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."

They gave my mother's si

They gave my mother's sister a speeding ticket, which hurts my fine auntses.

Thoughts To Ponder

Thoughts To Ponder
1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
13. If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Indian raitas

Indian raitas pen a lot of naan-fiction. They unfold at a curried paste. I like to sit down in Mahal and read them. I got so engrossed the last time when my mom was leaving the house I didn't even wish her ‘Mum, bai.' Lucky she left me a deli sandwich. I Vishnu could read them all, but in India, of these books, they ban galore.

The mother of a 17-year-old gi

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Like Father, Like Daughter

Dorothy, the little daughter of a tire salesman, had seen triplets for the first time.
"Oh mother," she cried out upon returning home, "what do you think I saw today?"
"I can't imagine, dear, what?"
"A lady had twins, and a spare!"

A woman in her 30's was takin

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

If Men Truly Ran The World.

If Men Truly Ran The World...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
13. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
14. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
15. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
16. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
17. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"
18. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
19. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
20. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
21. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
22. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
23. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
24. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.