Mother jokes (1231 to 1245)

10 Recommendations Made By Men to Women

1. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

2. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

3. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple ‘Yes' is fine.

4. What do you mean, “leering?” She's obstructing my view.

5. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is heading for the slip road, saying, ‘Oh, this is our exit, dearest,' is not really necessary.

6. When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appal myself.

7. “Sports Report” starts at 5pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your mother.

8. If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at work?

9. You probably don't want to know what I'm thinking about.

10. Never buy a “new” brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.'

Source: Will and Guy's Jokes

Dancing The Night Away

Contributed by John Maples

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963 and Jim had a date with Peggy. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Jim in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Jim said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" She asked.

" Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

" Uh...really?" Jim replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Jim, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Jim said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Jim.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The damned dance is called the Twist !!

The Butt Biter

A few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.

She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.

So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!

Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.

The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.

And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.

Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Reclining on my mom's couch.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

Fear Factor

My boyfriend bought me a vibrator for Valentine's day about a year ago. Still living at home I knew I had to hide it. Well, after having some fun one night I just put it under my mattress.

The next day my brother came in and laid on my bed, when he put pressure on the mattress, my vibrator turned on and started to buzz like crazy. Well, not knowing what it was he came in the living room and said, “sissy this was buzzing under your bed” and handed it to me.

It was a Monday, so my mom and dad and I were watching Fear Factor, and looking at the size of my vibrator, my mom laughed and said, “apparently fear is not a factor for you.” And now my dad goes around saying, “BZZZZZZZZZZ.” I have never been more embarrassed in my life.

First Impressions

On my way up the sidewalk to a girl's house, I was taking out for the first time, I felt my stomach cramping.

I knew that it was imminent that I would have to take a dump very soon. I rang the doorbell, said hello, went through the introductions with her parents and so-forth. I resisted as long as I could, but knew I had to go before leaving with their daughter on the date.

I asked to use the restroom, and was directed down the hall. I went in and took a dump. No problem right? Well, when I flushed – you guessed it – the toilet began overflowing faster than I could find a solution.

With water and lots of crap flowing out of the toilet, all over the bathroom floor, and heading towards the door, I ran from the bathroom. I sped to the living room where Dad, Mom, and my date were waiting.

I was in obvious panic yelling “the toilet's overflowing, what do I do?” At that point the father rushed to the bathroom, with Mom, date, and me following. Her Dad ran into the bathroom, and slipped of his feet onto the floor covered with water and quite a bit of my crap.

When he got up, he had a log stuck to his back. Believe it or not, I still took their daughter out that night (without sticking around to help clean) and we ended up dating for six years.

Hungry, Hungry Eve

After the fall, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they were passing the locked gates of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, “What’s this?”
Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

So what are your plans?

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.

“It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

Source: CleanJokes4U.com

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

Motherly Lessons

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don't talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE… “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.”

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE… “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION… “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL… “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC… “Because I said so, that's why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT… “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY… “Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS… “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM… “Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA… “You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER… “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY… “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE… “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION… “Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!”

Really funny jokes-Pure polar bear

A young man was walking throug...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.


As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A young man was walking throug...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

You might be a redneck if 22

You might be a redneck if...

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.