Mother jokes (1246 to 1260)

Fear Factor

My boyfriend bought me a vibrator for Valentine's day about a year ago. Still living at home I knew I had to hide it. Well, after having some fun one night I just put it under my mattress.

The next day my brother came in and laid on my bed, when he put pressure on the mattress, my vibrator turned on and started to buzz like crazy. Well, not knowing what it was he came in the living room and said, “sissy this was buzzing under your bed” and handed it to me.

It was a Monday, so my mom and dad and I were watching Fear Factor, and looking at the size of my vibrator, my mom laughed and said, “apparently fear is not a factor for you.” And now my dad goes around saying, “BZZZZZZZZZZ.” I have never been more embarrassed in my life.

First Impressions

On my way up the sidewalk to a girl's house, I was taking out for the first time, I felt my stomach cramping.

I knew that it was imminent that I would have to take a dump very soon. I rang the doorbell, said hello, went through the introductions with her parents and so-forth. I resisted as long as I could, but knew I had to go before leaving with their daughter on the date.

I asked to use the restroom, and was directed down the hall. I went in and took a dump. No problem right? Well, when I flushed – you guessed it – the toilet began overflowing faster than I could find a solution.

With water and lots of crap flowing out of the toilet, all over the bathroom floor, and heading towards the door, I ran from the bathroom. I sped to the living room where Dad, Mom, and my date were waiting.

I was in obvious panic yelling “the toilet's overflowing, what do I do?” At that point the father rushed to the bathroom, with Mom, date, and me following. Her Dad ran into the bathroom, and slipped of his feet onto the floor covered with water and quite a bit of my crap.

When he got up, he had a log stuck to his back. Believe it or not, I still took their daughter out that night (without sticking around to help clean) and we ended up dating for six years.

Hungry, Hungry Eve

After the fall, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they were passing the locked gates of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, “What’s this?”
Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

So what are your plans?

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.

“It's designed to teach the child how to live in today's world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

Source: CleanJokes4U.com

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

Motherly Lessons

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don't talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE… “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.”

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE… “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION… “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL… “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC… “Because I said so, that's why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT… “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY… “Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS… “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM… “Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA… “You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER… “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY… “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE… “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION… “Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!”

Really funny jokes-Pure polar bear

A young man was walking throug...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.


As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A young man was walking throug...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

You might be a redneck if 22

You might be a redneck if...

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Young patient

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15 year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and said, “Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses.”

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. “Tell him,” he replied, “they're absolutely gorgeous!”

Source: Good Clean Fun

Digging for bait

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

“No, honey, he won't do for bait,” his mother said. “He's not an earthworm.”

“He's not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

One sunny day, Todd greeted hi...

One sunny day, Todd greeted his parents with excitement, asking them to sit down in the living room for his announcement.

"I have great news! I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman in town. She only lives a block away from you. Her name is Susan."

His parents congratulated him, but after dinner, his father pulled him aside. "Son, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something. I love your mother dearly after 30 years of marriage, but we've never had much excitement in our intimate life. I used to fool around a lot, and Susan is actually your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Todd was devastated and angry with his father, and he broke off the engagement. A year later, he was finally dating again, and one day he came home to tell them, "Lori said yes! We want to get married this July."

His father pulled him aside once more. "I'm sorry son, but she's your half-sister, too."

Todd was furious with his father. Once would have been bad enough, but twice was more than he could take. He decided to tell his mother what had been going on.

Bracing for her reaction, he said, "I guess I'll never get married. Every time I'm ready to marry, he tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother patted his cheek. "Don't pay a bit of attention to what he says," she told him. "He's not really your father."

Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'