Mother jokes (1246 to 1260)Jokes about mothers. These are the jokes listed 1246 to 1260. |
Digging for bait
My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
“No, honey, he won't do for bait,” his mother said. “He's not an earthworm.”
“He's not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”
One sunny day, Todd greeted hi...
One sunny day, Todd greeted his parents with excitement, asking them to sit down in the living room for his announcement."I have great news! I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman in town. She only lives a block away from you. Her name is Susan."
His parents congratulated him, but after dinner, his father pulled him aside. "Son, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something. I love your mother dearly after 30 years of marriage, but we've never had much excitement in our intimate life. I used to fool around a lot, and Susan is actually your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Todd was devastated and angry with his father, and he broke off the engagement. A year later, he was finally dating again, and one day he came home to tell them, "Lori said yes! We want to get married this July."
His father pulled him aside once more. "I'm sorry son, but she's your half-sister, too."
Todd was furious with his father. Once would have been bad enough, but twice was more than he could take. He decided to tell his mother what had been going on.
Bracing for her reaction, he said, "I guess I'll never get married. Every time I'm ready to marry, he tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother patted his cheek. "Don't pay a bit of attention to what he says," she told him. "He's not really your father."
Watching the game
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
Vicky was at a business confer...
Vicky was at a business conference.During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a strangers voice say, We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?
Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!
100 pound pig
Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".
Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".
The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
Odd signs...
These signs have allegedly been spotted in public use.
Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In an office: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
English sign in a German cafe: Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.
Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything--bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: Slow cattle crossing, no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a disco: Smart is the most exclusive disco in town, everyone welcome.
Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand, any person passing this point will be drowned, by order of the district council.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with the letter louts and vandals, we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work.)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order please use floor below.
After the baby was baptized, h...
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car."What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home... I just want her to stay with you guys."
A couple is dressed and ready ...
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet, and put the cat out in the back yard.The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Memory lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: “FENDER SKIRTS”.
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about “fender skirts” started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like “curb feelers” and “steering knobs.”
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember “Continental kits?” They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them “emergency brakes?” At some point “parking brake” became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with “emergency brake.”
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the “running board” up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore – “store-bought.” Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
“Coast to coast” is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term “world wide” for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, “wall-to-wall” was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day – “rat fink.” Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss – “percolator.” That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? “Coffee maker.” How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like “DynaFlow” and “Electrolux.” Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with “SpectraVision!”
Food for thought – Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most “supper.” Now everybody says “dinner.” Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a “certain age” would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to others of “a certain age.”
The Family Of Potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
Top Ten Halloween Things That ...
Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't10. She's a goblin.
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.
7. Just get on your knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it will last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff.
1. He's got candy spread out on the floor.
Knowing Your Spouse
One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.
Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.
When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, “I just know I left the iron on.”
My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.
