Mouse jokes (181 to 195)

The following 15 Police Commen...

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Feline Physics Laws

>Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
>Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
>Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
>Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
>Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
>Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
>Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
>Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
>Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
>Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
>Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
>Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
>First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
>Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
>Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
>Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
>Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
>Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
>Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
>Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
>Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
>Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
>Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
>Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
>Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
>Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Funny Computer Questions #joke #humor

A woman called the Hewlett-Packard (HP) help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
Customer: “So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won't let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn't crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,' then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?”

The Top Ten Differences Betwee...

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.
Daily Thought:
Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

Questions to ponder....

If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Mouse Balls

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face! This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the last sentence!)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

- EVER WONDER
-
- W...

- EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

Why did Mickey Mouse go to spa...

Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? ..................... To visit Pluto

Idiots On The Computer

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

A Mouse In US Army

Once there was a mouse who was very sober, gentle and kind hearted and used to help everyone.
One day everyone saw that he was very angry he told the lion what he thinks of himself he will just kick his face and all the teeth in his mouth will come out, then he walked up to the elephant and told him to stand still otherwise he will through him in the river...
He was just terrifying every one, the lion asked the fox what had happened to the dear mouse she told him that the mouse has joined the **cking US Army
(* kicking)

Survey For Nerds

INTRODUCTION:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help you determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you, or listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you think you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the nerdity testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response, we came up with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current nerdity quotient (from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile of sludge unable to communicate with anything human except through a device that is a miracle of modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to the outside world is through the computer internet system.
GRADING:
As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high concentrations of known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that someone who has never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0% nerd. However, once such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed in the 100% nerdity category. This is done because it is also assumed that only a true geek would utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!? What a stupid concept! I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that." The values in between are determined by taking the test and scoring it as follows.
For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or "true", take one point. At the end of the test, divide the total number of points you scored by the total number of questions in the test. Treat this number as a percentage that represents your nerdity quotient.
Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What is contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to the given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as suggestions that might apply.
All technicalities count - after all, being technical is half of what being a nerd is all about.
RECOMMENDATIONS and HINTS:
It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with your answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal catharsis of what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of nerdity) and each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this way, errors due to lying or personal oversight are avoided and the test also has a therapeutic effect for the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned about others should be treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that we don't want others to know about.
Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as well as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you ever..." while others are "do you now...". The former register the fact that you have a propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge the fact that you are currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the "do you now" type questions change, so will your nerd quotient.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book. Shake well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all work. Refrigerate after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table of useful formulas is included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!
SECTION 1: Education and Schooling
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ...at the college level?
3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?
5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
6. ...at the college level?
7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Have you ever given a lecture?
16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own? (i.e. experimental proof)
19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?
20. ...when you didn't have to?
21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equationthan the text did)
22. Do you take notes in more than one color?
23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)
24. Have you ever tutored someone else?
25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?
28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?
29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"
30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?
31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?
32. Did you win?
33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?
34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I would get in"?
35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
SECTION 2: Knowledge
37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
39. Can you count in Roman numerals?
40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
43. ...for fun?
44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?
45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?
46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? (fruit fly, human being)
48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?
50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?
51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?
52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the name of the element they represent?
53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?
54. Are you bilingual?
55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?
56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to alcohol when it is consumed by a human?
57. ...while drunk?
58. Do you know how your car's engine works?
59. Have you ever interpolated?
60. Have you ever extrapolated?
61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
62. Have you ever integrated numerically?
63. ...and known the result ahead of time?
64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?
65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?
66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?
67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?
68. Do you own an encyclopedia?
69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?
71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?
72. Can you program the time on a VCR?
73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?
74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard copy"?
79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?
80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?
81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for. Note: it may be useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym stands for as your interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being sought after.
82. ...RADAR?
83. ...MODEM?
84. ...RAM?
85. ...DNA?
86. ...ATP?
87. ...NADP?
88. ...CRT?
89. ...CRC?
90. ...STP?
91. ...NORAD?
92. ...NASA?
93. ...MUD?
94. ...LED?
95. ...AI?
96. ...LASER?
97. ...RPG?
98. ...TLA?
99. ...SCUBA?
100. ...WYSIWYG?
101. ...DAT?
102. ...PINE?
103. ...JOVE?
104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?
105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
106. gravitational constant? (G)
107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)
108. mass of an electron?
109. charge of an electron?
110. speed of light in vacuum?
111. speed of sound at STP?
112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
115. Avogadro's number?
116. molar gas constant?
117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits of pi in the room.
119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)
120. ...centimeters and inches?
121. ...kilometers and miles?
122. ...joules and electron-volts?
123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?
125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?
126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?
127. ...AU and light years?
128. ...light years and parsecs?
129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone else's answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true. (e.g. "you nob! Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")
130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true. (e.g. "AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")
SECTION 3: Computers
131. Have you ever used a computer?
132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?
133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?
134. ...past 4 a.m.?
135. ...as a source of income?
136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?
138. ...for money?
139. ...in the last 24 hours?
140. ...in the last half hour?
141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
142. ...in the last three months?
143. ...in the last three weeks?
144. Have you ever programmed a computer?
145. ...to write a computer game?
146. ...to write a computer virus?
147. ...to write a shell script?
148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM? (e.g. Commodore 64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)
149. ...that is still in working condition?
150. ...and still buy software for it?
151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?
152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?
153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?
154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?
Have you ever used a ...
155. mouse?
156. hard disk drive?
157. light-pen?
158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?
159. track-ball?
160. ...for something other than a video game?
161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)
162. modem?
163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?
164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?
165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?
166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?
167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?
168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand copywritten)
169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?
170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a fee be sent to them for its use)
171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?
172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?
173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?
174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)
176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)
177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?
178. Do you have an electronic mail address?
179. ...more than one e-mail address?
180. Have you ever sent e-mail?
181. ...to yourself?
182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?
183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?
184. ...in the last week?
185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?
186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?
187. Have you ever FTP'd?
188. ...anonymously?
189. Have you ever uploaded?
190. Have you ever downloaded?
191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)
192. Have you ever set up a kill file?
193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?
194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?
195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on logging unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)
196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS? (e.g. alias dir ls)
197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?
198. ...in the last week?
199. Have you posted to USENET?
200. ...and gotten a response?
201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?
202. ...and gotten a "flame"?
Have you ever posted to...
203. ...a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)
204. ...a sex news group? (alt.sex)
205. ...talk.bizarre?
206. ...rec.humor?
207. ...a sci. or science-related news group?
208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?
209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?
210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?
211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?
212. ...in the last week?
213. ...today?
214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?
215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's, etc.?
216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?
217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?
218. Have you ever built a computer?
219. ...from chips?
220. Do you have a favorite computer language?
221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?
Which of the following computer languages do you know...
222. ...BASIC?
223. ...PASCAL?
224. ...FORTRAN?
225. ...assembly language?
226. ...C?
227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?
228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?
229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address for computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)
230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?
231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?
232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)
233. Have you ever spoken internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)
234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order to work on the computer?
235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better computer system than you?
SECTION 4: Possessions
236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?
237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?
238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?
239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?
240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?
241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?
242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?
243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?
244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
245. Do you own an atlas?
246. Do you own a globe?
247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
249. ...that lights up?
250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?
251. ...and have them on display?
252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)
253. Have you ever faxed something?
254. Have you ever received a fax?
255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?
258. Do you own a slide rule?
259. ...and know how to use it?
260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?
261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)
262. Do you own a pencil case?
263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?
264. ...and have refills for it?
265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?
266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)
268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
269. Do you own a table of integrals?
270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for personal use?
SECTION 5: Leisure Time
271. Have you ever taken something apart?
272. ...and put it back together correctly?
273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?
274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?
275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?
276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?
277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly instructions?
278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it apart to "see how it works"?
279. Have you ever rewired something?
280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
281. ...since leaving high school?
282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)
283. ...in the last six months?
284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?
285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?
286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?
287. Have you ever dissected something?
288. ...while not involved in a biology class?
289. Do you play chess?
290. Were you ever on a chess team?
291. ...on a math team?
292. ...on a debate team?
293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?
295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?
296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking up members of the opposite sex?
297. Were you ever in a science fair?
298. ...that you placed in the top three?
299. Are you a member of Mensa?
300. Have you ever made a technical joke?
301. ...in the last week?
302. ...that no one around you understood?
303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?
304. ...that everyone around you understood?
305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?
SECTION 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys
306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?
308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
309. Do you own an oscilloscope?
310. Have you ever used a microscope?
311. Do you own a microscope?
312. Have you ever used a telescope?
313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?
314. Do you own a voltmeter?
315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
316. Do you own a CB radio?
317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?
318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?
319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?
320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
321. ...since the age of 13?
322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
323. Do you own a slinky?
324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?
325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
327. ...without using the book?
328. ...in less than two minutes?
329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations a Rubik's Cube can have?
SECTION 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies
330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?
331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)
332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
333. ...voluntarily?
334. ...in the last three weeks?
335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?
Have you ever watched a complete episode of...
336. ...Dr. Who?
337. ...Battlestar Galactica?
338. ...Space: 1999?
339. ...Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
340. ...Gilligan's Island?
341. ...Flintstones?
342. ...The Brady Bunch?
343. ...The Jetson's?
344. ...The Addam's Family?
344. ...Dobbie Gillis?
346. ...I Dream of Genie?
347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than once?
348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
349. ...in one 24 hour period?
350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically impossible" (due to Newton's laws, etc.)?
SECTION 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines
Have you ever read anything by...
351. ...Douglas Adams?
352. ...Isaac Asimov?
353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?
354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
355. ...Piers Anthony?
356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)
359. ...Stephen Hawkings?
360. ...Carl Sagan?
361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what you, as an intelligent person, should know"?
362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics made popular?
363. Do you read books on a daily basis?
364. Have you finished a book in the last week?
365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?
366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?
367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?
Do you have magazine subscriptions to...
368. ...Popular Mechanics?
369. ...Popular Science?
370. ...Omni?
371. ...Scientific America?
372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)
373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?
374. ...Discover?
375. ...any medical journals? (New England Journal of Medicine)
376. ...any science periodicals?
377. ...National Geographic?
378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy Metal)
SECTION 9: Star Trek
379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
381. ...in one 48 hour period?
382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series), "TNG" (The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar?
383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?
384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?
385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?
386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?
387. ...in the last six months?
388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?
389. ...and worn them in public?
SECTION 10: Clothing and Apparel
390. Are your socks unmatched?
391. Do you own a digital watch?
392. ...that plays music?
393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?
394. ...that has a calculator built in?
395. Do you own a pocket protector?
396. ...and are you wearing it?
397. Do you have acne?
398. Do you have greasy hair?
399. ...without realizing it?
400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (e.g. t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
401. ...which you still wear from time to time?
402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?
403. ...while not in the laboratory?
404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away in fear?
405. Are your pants too short?
406. Does your underwear have your name in it?
407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save time when dressing because "everything goes together"?
410. Do you wear glasses?
411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)
412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
414. Do your glasses weigh more than one pound?
SECTION 11: Personality and Lifestyle
415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)
416. ...for more than one day in a row?
417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)
Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep?
418. ...Caffeine?
419. ...exercise?
420. ...Vivarin?
421. ...NoDoz?
422. ...something you made in chem. lab?
423. ...something you found in chem. lab?
424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?
425. ...in the last 3 months?
426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?
427. Have you worked in a research lab?
428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?
429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)
430. ...and not been bored?
431. Are you socially inept?
432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?
433. Do you talk to yourself?
434. ...when other people are around?
435. Do you talk to imaginary people?
436. ...do they talk back?
437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?
438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)
440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see to pass the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)
441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?
442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events? (ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)
443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.
444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)
447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?
448. ...do you like it that way?
449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?
450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?
451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?
452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?
453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?
454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?
455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in a "JEOPARDY" contestant?
456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
457. ...while not drunk?
458. ...while alone?
459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?
460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?
461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?
462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as a factual reference to support your claim?
463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll appear green."
464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)
465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of talking about non-technical topics?
466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)
467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)
468. ...for sexual purposes?
469. ...and had some degree of success?
470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?
471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)
472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?
473. Did the object also have a "personality"?
474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists? (Einstein vs. Newton, etc.)
475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was better?
476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's is better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)
477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious scientific paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)
478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?
479. ...in the last two weeks?
480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?
481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?
482. ...in the last month?
483. ...today?
SECTION 12: The Nerd Test
484. Are you taking this test alone?
485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?
486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?
487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to score the test?
488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?
489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or tabulate questions found on this test?
490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100% nerd and deducting for each 'no'?)
491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?
492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score to prove you are a nerd?
493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?
494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?
495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?
496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?

497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on this test (or were contemplating it)?
498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?
499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
Please put your pencils down. That's it! Hope you enjoyed it!
To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of "yes/true" responses by the total number of questions and compare to this list.
Ranking:
0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe
21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training
31 - 35 Closet nerd
36 - 40 You dress like people in Walmart ads
41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service
46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help
51 - 55 YOU need some serious help
56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees
61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip
66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes
71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils
76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child
81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology
86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain
91 - 99 Move over, Einstein
100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you

Police Quotes

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS.....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.' (In Calif.)

Gone to Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"