Mouse jokes (31 to 45)

Finally, A Good Trump Joke

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blushing, the agent replies, 'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'

 There Was Life Before The Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Character Recognition and the Secret Service

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”

 Ponderings Collection 13

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Redneck Been Here?

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Life's questions...

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Or cat-flavored dog food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

14 signs your Kitty wants you dead

14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.

11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'

7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

Internet Axioms...

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

21. There's no place like home.com.

22. Know what to expect before you connect.

23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

24. Speed thrills.

25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won't bother you for weeks.

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse...

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was fu**ing Goofy!

Jesus teaching his Father how

Jesus teaching his Father how to use a computer mouse: “Jehovah the cursor over the icon!”

#16. "You know, stop lights do

#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anythingI want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editio

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

 Ponderings Collection 18

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 Menu Item Translations

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Product Names
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

Twas the week after Christmas....

TWAS THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT ONE PC WAS WORKING
NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

I TURNED ON THE POWER
BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING
I GRAB THE COMPUTER
AND START BANGING AND JERKING.

I LAID OUT THREE GRAND
FOR THIS BIG PIECE OF JUNK
ON JANUARY 1ST
THE DAMN THING WENT 'KERPLUNK'!

WHEN I THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT MADE SUCH A CLATTER
MY NEIGHBOR JUST CALLED
TO SEE WHAT'S THE MATTER.

I TURNED ON THE TV
THE CABLE IS DOWN
MY MICROWAVE OVEN
IS MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS.

MY NEW VCR
IS AS DEAD AS A ROCK
NOT ONE LIGHT IS BLINKING
NOT EVEN THE CLOCK.

IT'S TWENTY BELOW
THE PEAK OF SNOW SEASON
THE FURNACE WON'T WORK
THE PIPES ARE ALL FREEZING

THIS COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
AT A WORSE TIME
I THINK I HAVE FROSTBITE
ON MY BEHIND.

I LAUGHED FOR A SECOND
AND THOUGHT IT ALL FUNNY
THEN A CALL FROM MY BANK
IN REGARDS TO MY MONEY.

'WE MANAGED YOUR PENSION
AND SAVINGS WITH CARE
BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON
YOUR MONEY'S NOT THERE
WE WERE Y2K READY
WE'D THOUGHT WE'D BE HEROES
BUT REGRET TO INFORM YOU
YOUR BALANCE IS..ZERO'!

I DROP THE RECEIVER
TO THE BATHROOM I RUSH
I PUSH DOWN THE HANDLE
THE TOILET WON'T FLUSH.

I TURNED ON THE FAUCET
NOT ONE DROP HITS THE SINK
I HEAD OUT THE DOOR
TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.

I JUMP IN THE CAR
TURN THE KEY IN THE SWITCH
IT ONLY GOES 'CLICK'
I SCREAM,'SON OF A BITCH!'

A COMPUTERIZED IGNITION
HAS JUST SEALED MY FATE
NOT SET UP
FOR THE '2000' DATE.

I TWITCH LIKE A MADMAN
THIS CANNOT BE TRUE
NO CAR, HEAT, OR MONEY
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO.

SHOUTING OBSCENITIES
AS I RAN OUT OF SIGHT
HAPPY Y2K TO ALL
IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!