Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (331 to 345)

The juggler....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

A judge was instructing the ju

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "after all, he knew exactly where it was."

 Indiana Crazy Law

One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.

Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.

All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.

Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.

State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.

Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.

A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.

It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.

Drinks on the house are illegal.

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.

A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)

Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.

Liquor stores may not sell milk.

Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.

Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.

You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.

Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.

No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.

You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

"Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.

You are required to pour your drink into a glass.

It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.

If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Immoral Practices.

Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.

A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.

The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (Repealed)

Auburn

It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

Beech Grove

It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

Elkhart

It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

Evansville

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Fort Wayne

You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book".

Gary

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

South Bend

It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Terre Haute

No one may spit on the sidewalk.

#joke #policeman #animal #horse #rabbit #monkey #bird #fish #fruit #watermelon #food #garlic #eating #drinks #milk

The Police Officer's Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas

and throughout the substation,

Not a deputy stirred,

they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung

on the wall with great care,

Next to some T-shirts

and old underwear.

I was working the night shift

compiling stats,

Answering the phone,

and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden

there arose such a clatter,

I leapt from my desk

to see what was the matter!

I opened the door

with a creak and a crick,

And saw a jolly red fat man

I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture

a time or two,

He was wanted:

Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door

and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head

and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran,

up the chimney he flew,

With me in pursuit,

toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof

Santa made for his sleigh,

Throwing down toys

and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,

he threw down some crack,

I slipped and I fell

landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced

with a toy M-1 tank,

And Pink Power Rangers

covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",

he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds

and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say

as he sailed into the blue,

"Merry Christmas to all!

My Lawyers will sue!"

There was a young fellow who w

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"

Two men broke into a drugstore

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

 A Very Depressed Man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A salesman, tired of his job...

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

 New Rules For Bowling

Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the

middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they

created a night watchman position and hired a person for the

job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job

without instruction?" So they created a planning department

and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,

and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is

doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control

department and hired two people. One to do the studies and

one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get

paid?" So they created the following positions, a time

keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of

these people?" So they created an administrative section and

hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant

Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation

for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback

overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

They Are Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

Drivers Licence

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Charged For Speeding

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

Seven Degrees Of Blonde

ONE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

TWO

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,

she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Politicians Accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."