Policeman jokes - jokes about policemen (691 to 705)

A rapist, a gangster and a mur...

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

Really funny jokes-Police Story

Hilarious jokes-Carrier pilot

A guy found a penguin and show...

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

The next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

News headlines 04

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Banking Error…

A true story out of San Francisco…

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

10 things not to say

Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents.

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by BreeBrown

Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

Bad Landing

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no Ma'am, what is it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

You might be a redneck if 27

You might be a redneck if...

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

There are more fish on your wall than pictures.

Emergency Call

Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him–lights flashing.

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.

Cyber Relationship Break Up Letter

CYBER BREAK UP LETTER

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic

removal of

unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online

affair. This

termination takes effect immediately, but only because I

could not make

it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this

action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,

competent,

your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the

romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to

refer to me

has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance

of

punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you

were less

than honest:

· __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a

man.

· __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a

woman.

· __ You typed your own name at the end.

· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is

simply page 56

of a Jackie Collins novel.

· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you

are hiding

something from me.

· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS

test suggests

a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __

police record.

· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders

unless I wish

to face stalking charges.

· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all

the time

you're spending on the computer.

· __ I have established a more personal relationship with

the Lord, and

I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you

can do to

ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are

closer than

you think.

· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me

leaves me

feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are

only 14

violates the terms of my parole.

· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you

misbegotten son of a

bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia],

that there is

nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my

attorney,

__ Sincerely,

__ Gleefully,

__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"

__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

__ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

A truck driver is driving alon...

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

A truck driver is driving alon...

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Bubba and Billy were driving d...

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."