Redneck jokes (16 to 30)

A redneck farmer from back in

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, tothe general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones andflint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I wanta fire."

 You Might Be A Redneck If 12

You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 67

You might be a reneck if...
You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
Your favorite fruit is chicken.
You think those yellow traffic signs that say "Slow children at play" means the kids in the area are not too bright.
At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.
You think "Country & Western" covers both types of music.
You've ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 59

You might be a reneck if...
Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 78

You might be a reneck if...
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 36

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 55

You might be a reneck if...
The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
You have got more bumper stickers than children.
Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
Your clawfoot bathtub has ever been unusable because your wife was using it as a brooder.
Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

A redneck couple, both bona fi...

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

A guy was on trial for murder...

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

The Other 2 Wishes – A Blonde Redneck Guy Story

A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

 You Might Be A Redneck If 22

You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Three rednecks called Bubba, E

Three rednecks called Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the grave stone, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

You Might Be A Redneck If 10

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 54

You might be a reneck if...
Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

Redneck Been Here?

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".