Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)

Bar Joke

A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this?

Some kind of a joke?"

True Happiness

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"

Holiday Wedlock

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

Typical HR

"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."

Sergeant Abuse

A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!"
The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"

Getting Old

You know you're getting old when...
When your son's hair is turning gray.

Iron Man And Iron Woman

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

The Difference Between Outlaws and In-laws

Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

Money Woes

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck...
But through hard work, time and perseverance...
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!

Statistics

The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The Future of Technology

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

Worth A Try

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.
If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.

New Skunk Band

Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band?
They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"!

Elderly Honeymooners

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

Difference Between In-laws and Out-laws

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are usually wanted.

Hand-Me-Downs

Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me.
Moe: What did you do?
Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.

Memory

I had amnesia once...
... or maybe twice.

Lottery Winnings

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75!

Near-sex Experience

I just had a near-sex experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

Alphabet Soup

The man in the cafe asked the waiter, "What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?"
The waiter looked for a minute and said, "Learning to read sir."

Something In Her Eye

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars."
"That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars."

Dental Terminology

(Dentist) This is going to pinch a little.
(Patient) I love the way you guys substitute words like 'pinch' for 'pain'.
(Dentist) You're right. Hang on to your chair, this is going to hurt like hell.

Cardiac Problems

My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”

Little Dozing Johnny

Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..."
Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."

Broken Arm

A guy goes to the doctor.
Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."
Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"

Cheese You Say?

Know when you have a problem?
When you stand in your living room to take a picture, and after you say "Cheese", a rat jumps out and says, "Where?"

Stolen Glasses

To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you, I have contacts!

How Much Do You Love Me?

A girl asks a boy, "Peter, how much do you love me?"
The boy looks her in the eyes, "Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you."
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, "Exactly."

Salad for Dinner

I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"
"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.
I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."

Wonder Woman and Spider-Man

What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.

Young Deer

A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well...
He was known to be bambidextrous.

And Scene

"Are you an actress, auntie?"
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."

Triple the Laugh

Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!

When You See A Spaceman

What do you do when you see a SPACEMAN?
You park your car in it!

Hope It's A Boy

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

Definition of Nutella

Nutella: Noun
God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.

Conveyor Belt Job

During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
"I work at the end of a belt," I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, "Are you the buckle?"

Last Year On Cyber Monday

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.
This year I went shopping on Black Friday!

It Kept On Defrosting

My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.

Giggle and Gobble

Why did the Turkey snicker alongside the stuffing?
It was an inside joke.