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Short jokes - funny one liners (801 to 840)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 801 to 840. |
When I Die
I said to my wife: "When I die I'd like to die having sex."
She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”
Smoking Pot
Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.
She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!
I packed nothing but a feather
I packed nothing but a feather for my flight to the Czech Republic, figuring that would be the most Prague tickle thing.To reduce the numbers of hours
To reduce the numbers of hours people waste watching award shows, many governments are imposing Oscarity measures.Invisible Family
The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married.
But their kids aren’t anything to look at.
NED: St Patrick's day is
NED: St Patrick's day is 10 months away. Should I work on my Irish accent?ED: No, if it ain't brogue, don't fix it.
If you want to hand out commun
If you want to hand out communion, you have to assign a wafer.I would tell you the pun about
I would tell you the pun about the big person who ate the little person, but you wouldn't taller ate it.Don't bother entering a
Don't bother entering a shoe store. Everything is already soled.
NED: I
NED: I got into an argument with a midget today.ED: Really?
NED: Yeah, we just didn't see thigh-to-eye.
Hear that the Mafia is trying
Hear that the Mafia is trying to lose its tough-guy image?Hindu Happy Birthday
Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?A: May you have many happy returns.
Listening to U2 in church give
Listening to U2 in church gives me a mass-ive Bono.Missing Puzzle Piece
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.
Biblical flood stories tend to
Biblical flood stories tend to have a certain narrative Ark.Teachers On Patrol
Teacher: I hope I didn't just see you looking at Harry's paper, Raymond!
Raymond: I hope so too, teacher!
Authority Figure
A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.
People with diabetes shouldn&#
People with diabetes shouldn't fool around. No more hanky pancreas!A Lumberjack Keeps Track
A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees.
"How do you know exactly how many" I replied.
“Easy, I keep a log..."
No Male Pallbearers
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead." Thin Person Struggles
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out...
Good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes.
Did Native Americans read the
Did Native Americans read the canoes-paper to find stuff out?Hymns for Senior Citizens
"Precious Lord, Take My hand and Help Me Up”"It Is Well With My Soul, but My Knees Hurt”"Just a Slower Walk with Thee”"Go Tell It on the Mountain, but Please Speak Up”"Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing”My Grandson Is A Genius
I'm beginning to think my five year old grandson is a genius...
I can't tell his paintings from that of Picasso!
Never look back in a seniors h
Never look back in a seniors home – someone may be caning on you!G Forces At Work
You can't spell gravity without gravy...
And you can't spill gravy without gravity!
Winning the Powerball
I just want you to know that if I win the Powerball tonight, it won't change me.
It will change my phone number, my email address, my mailing address...
Wired? Then why read
Wired? Then why read? #joke #short
I Couldn't Look At Another Man
After he died, I couldn't even look at another man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
