Short jokes - funny one liners (761 to 800)

How Computers Get Drunk

How do computers get drunk?
They take screenshots!

When I mistook the piece of cr

Don't steal someone else

Nice Caboose

I took the train to NYC today and the conductor paid me the nicest compliment as I was boarding...
They said, “First class rear..."

I spat gum out onto a wall 

Photographers don't like

Toy Production Line

I just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

The detective fingered the cat

Get Ready, Get Set, Go

My best friend when I was a kid was Andy Zoff.
He was the fastest boy at my school.

I pray before every archery ma

Quitting Social Media

Quitting Social Media is the adult version of running away from home...
We all know you do it for attention and you'll be back soon.

Witness Required

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

A Run Home

Tommy: "Oh no, it's a run home!"
Suzy: "Don't you mean a home run?"
Tommy: "No, I really do mean a run home. I just hit he ball through Mr. Johnson's window!"

Hammer Time

A man visiting his neighbor's house is shocked to see their little boy pounding nails into their expensive coffee table. "How can you afford to let your son do that?" he asked his host.
"Oh, it's really no issue," the host replied. "I get the nails cheap."

Who's the Boss

I'm at my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin...
"Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"

Is Water a threat to global se

What's a mafia hitman

Wool puns are good for a ro

Round About

My wife and I were stuck in traffic.
Frustrated, I looked at her and said: “I’m turning round.”
She replied: “I know - stop eating so many burgers.”

Do mathematicians like dessert

On the Marx

The Marx Bros seldom spoke of their embarrassing cousin...
Skid Marx.

Backward Rabbits

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

How do you tell if a soccer pl

Climbing Mt. Everrest<

I get turned on by clown colle

The hard-luck hunter

Too Tired To Think

8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

Is it true women like men who

My Kids on Ebay

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.

When God made Eve, he

Carpet My Steps

I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps…
He gave me a blank stair.

I'll miss the internet.

Roast Beef and Pea Soup

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef.

For a man to be teased by a fl

Worrying Works

Worrying works...
90% of the things I worry about never happen!

Amazon needs millions of drone

That latest online fad –

The triumphant geologist shout

The Politics

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

Whiskey Therapy

I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead."