Short jokes - funny one liners (921 to 960)

I hate math. I'm an r

Didn't See It Coming

Judy: Billy got fresh with me last night, so I slapped his face. But I was sorry just as soon as I did it.
Trudy: Because you care about him?
Judy: No, because he was chewing tobacco.

Did Brigitte Bardot Did Brigitte Bardot credit Shakespeare for her success?

#joke #short

My Horse Only Comes Out

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark.
It's becoming a night mare.

The Best Flight Attendants

"Kulua Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

The effects of Viagra have bee

A Labor Day Beer

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in to check up on me and caught me having a beer.
He said to me, "You can't drink while you're working."
I said, "Oh, don't worry - I'm not working."

Rain & Diet Coke

I am constantly drinking Diet Coke.
On a rainy day I told my 9 year-old son that I needed an umbrella because I’m made of sugar and will melt in the rain.
He said, “You sure it's not artificial sugar?”

I'm drilling for oil. It

A Silent Bomb in Church

I need an Italian to paint my

Dating a Nun

Hamlet Who

"Daddy, who was Hamlet?"
"Bring me the Bible you ignoramus and I will show you who he was."

The Trojan War was awful and d

Bee My Honey

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper!

Stop Ringing My Phone

Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar...
Please stop ringing my new phone!

People who work at car factori

Learning About Democracy

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.

Flying Her Broom

A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners.
She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"

Hear about the Star Wars actio

Parking A Boat

If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.

There's A Labrador By My Front Door

There's a Labrador by my front door shouting 'Buy!' and 'Sell!' into a mobile phone...
I'm sick of dogs doing their business outside my house.

NED: Will you help me pass my

Dogs in Heaven

Women are just as hungry as me

What Is A Pessimist?

What is a Pessimist?
The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.

A Metal Detector

I got my wife a metal detector as a present, but she didn't like it.
Strange, as she always likes to dig up things from the past.

Where d

The Physics Lecture

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry, no time.”

Everybody Clear

Just so everybody's clear...
I’m going to put my glasses on!

Two Clowns And A Cannibal

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says, “I think that we got the joke wrong.”

I left my gorilla in a tow-awa

A True Gentleman

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

There's a song about how

Postal Mail

I got a big envelope in the mail that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."

To pass a law, the Queen must

Best Clock Joke Ever

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever…
…it’s about time!

Invest in pottery: you'l

Do down and out actors end up

The Barber Wins

And the unexpected winner of the race was...
The Barber... however he did do a short cut.