|
Short jokes - funny one liners (13441 to 13480)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 13441 to 13480. |
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces! #joke #short
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.Entertain Guests
After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
Why do African elephants have ...
Why do African elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.Company picnic...
A wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you....!"
Testing A New Recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
A man walks into a doctor's su...
A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.Religious Symbols on the Rocks
Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
Oil of Ole
What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?Oil of Ole'.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Q: What's the difference ...
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?A: A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins with, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld
Bathroom Graffiti
1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.Your Teeth
You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.First Visit to Church
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for thefirst time. The church lights were lowered, and then the
choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one
started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to you . . ."
A man goes into a chip shop wi...
A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks, do you sell fish cakes?Just before the funeral servic...
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it
Q. Why were the teacher's eyes...
Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?A. She couldn't control her pupils!
Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)What's red, runs on wh...
What's red, runs on wheels and eats grass?The Cure
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?2nd to 3rd
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second? Because you have a short stop between second and third.Women Vs Condoms
What do women and condoms have in common?They spend more time in your wallet then they do on your dick!
Submitted by TigersAngel6987
Edited by Curtis
Dilbert Quotes
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:Log Negative One Zero
Theorem: log(-1) = 0
Proof:
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)
On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0
Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0
A couple of jokes about marriage...
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
Good News, Bad News
After Friday prayers an Imam announced to the people:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee
Modern Definitions
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past...
Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Very Stupid Robbers
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Baldness
Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?Answering Machine Message 77
Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)
A little old man shuffled slow...
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulledhimself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A friend and I were standing i...
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Automotive Horror
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
