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Short jokes - funny one liners (2001 to 2040)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 2001 to 2040. |
Connected On the First Try
I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.
It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."
Book Power
Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"
Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."
Watch What You Order
Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.
The second guy says he wants some H2O too.
The second guy died.
A blonde walks into the librar
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!"The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
She Said I Was Immature
My wife told me I was immature...
So I told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Pulled A Muscle
I pulled a muscle digging for gold...
No worries though, it's just a miner injury.
Daily Routine
I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.
If they ask what I do, I answer, "You know, stuff."
Neighborhood Watch Program
I joined our neighborhood watch program last night...
There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it 1 day a month.
A man took off with his family
A man took off with his family to tour the country. When he returned, his next door neighbour asked how he enjoyed the vacation."Well," he replied, "have you ever spent three weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
Shrinking Clothes
“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
Change the Subject
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Drum Solo
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes...
And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.
Math On the Floor
My math teacher asked me why I was doing my math homework on the floor.
I said: “You told us to do them without using tables.”
Two elderly ladies were discus
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club."We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."
Two Quarters
Joe: Every night I take two quarters to bed with me.
Peter: Whatever for?
Joe: They are my sleeping quarters.
A man was walking down the str
A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?"
The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"
I Used the Dog's Shampoo
I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning...
Now I feel like a good boy.
In love
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Safety First
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped...
She keeps it in the trunk.
The Birthday Gift
A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.
When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”
My Child
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carme
Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
Sleep More Soundly
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Thief In the Night
Someone broke into my garage last night and took a bunch of stuff, including my limbo stick!
Seriously, how low can you go?
Off To Work
A guy shows up late for work.
The boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8.30!"
He replies, "Why? What happened at 8.30?"
One salesgirl in a candy store
One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle.The store owner asked for her secret.
"It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."
