Short jokes - funny one liners (2961 to 3000)

First Marathon

I entered my first marathon and finished first!
Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.

 Answering Machine Message 91

“When you and your ne

“When you and your neighbors overeat at a backyard barbeque, it is called a pignic.”

Capital of North Carolina

Joe: "I know the capital of North Carolina."
Sam: "Really?"
Joe: "No, Raleigh."

“Losing all your teet

“Losing all your teeth would really suck.”

What's Wrong Doc?

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

“Ratify is how a witc

“Ratify is how a witch turns a person into a rodent.”

A Bite On My Neck

Patient: Doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this water.
Patient: Will this make me feel better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see leaks and know where the vampire bit you.

“The gymnast's feat

“The gymnast's feat of jumping on asymmetrical bars remains unparalleled!”

Why Does It Rain

Little Johnny: "Why does it rain, dad?"
Father: "To make the flowers grow and the grass and the trees."
Little Johnny: "So why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

Tried to Resist

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A desserter.

Chronic Evil

Hebert was being examined by the family doctor who, after carefully examining said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness."
"Shh!" cautioned Hebert. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly as the wife is sitting in the next room."

“The retired weaver l

“The retired weaver liked to watch Star Trek and Lassie re-runs, dividing his leisure time between the warp and the woof.”

Teacher: How can we get some c

“The New England arti

“The New England artist just brushed it aside when people gave her the nickname Yankee Doodle.”

What Do You Do?

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.

Submarine Sandwich

Mikey: "I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think I'm going to be sick."
Mother: "What makes you say that?"
Mikey: "It's starting to surface."

“Why was one copier m

“Why was one copier mad at the other? Because it found out the other was two tonering it.”

Best Friends

What kind of alien makes the best of friends?
The one that is down to Earth.

“I spent five dollars

“I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone. I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.”

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”

Sisyphus

“My music history professor said that Sisyphus invented rock and roll.”

A Crush On Beyoncé

Me: "I think I have a crush on Beyoncé..."
Her: "Whatever floats your boat."
Me: "No, that’s buoyancy."

Count Your Blessings

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...
One by one...
As each relative goes home.

Two racetracks

“I owned two racetracks but I rented them to others. I was the lessor of two ovals.”

Well-spoken truck driver

“Just met a well-spoken truck driver. He articulated brilliantly!”

Piano tuner

A Penney For Your Thoughts

"I heard JC Penney was opening even earlier for Black Friday this year!"
"Really, when?"
"Halloween."

My Neighbor, A Tailor

My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.
I asked him how much he enjoyed it.

"It's Sew-Sew."

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
For this year I'm requesting a BIG bank account and a SMALL body.
P.S. Please don't mix them up like you did last year.

Musical career

“Unfortunately, at the beginning of my musical career I was incarcerated for crimes against music. But eventually I learned to trust my inmate musicality.”

Can opener

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener.

Posted by Melusedek on Reddit on Nov 14. 2013

“Arguing with the wai

“Arguing with the waiter that battery power is superior to fossil fuels made for a highly charged environment.”

The Doorbell Rang

The doorbell rang and there was a little kid dressed as Gloria Gaynor...
At first I was afraid... Then I was petrified!

Aloha

“Aloha is a soft laugh.”

 Get Away With Murder

Friar Whitney Cummings on Stage – Explaining Love

The Mummy Case

Two young children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case they noticed ”1286 B.C.”.
”What does that number mean?” asked the first one.
The second one thought a moment and said, ”That must be the license plate of the car that hit him.”

Didn't work 40 hours

“I didn't work 40 hours a week at the medical marijuana store. I was a pot time worker.”

Spelling Pole

Teacher: “Little Johnny, please spell the word 'pole'.”
Little Johnny: “P-O-L.”
Teacher: “But what is at the end of it?”
Little Johnny: “Electrical Wires, but I can’t spell that yet.”