Short jokes - funny one liners (2921 to 2960)

Juvenile delinquent

“A juvenile delinquent is an example of an arrested youth.”

When the saviour of Nottingham

Whether or not I am aroused by

Cost of Lawyer

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer."
Slim: "Did he keep it?"
Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

“Developing the ideal

“Developing the ideal golf green takes a lot of input.”

It is treasonous to tamper wit

The movie about pustules was a

Mix Alcohol & American Literature

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.

Watching Star Wars

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun. I said to keep warm.
She asked, "How warm is it inside?"
I said, "Lukewarm."

Drink on Friday the thirteenth

“Is it unlucky to drink on Friday the thirteenth, or is it merely stuporstition?”

My friend knows that a bon mot

The Flock Of Sheep

A cowboy was leading a flock of sheep down Main Street when he was ordered to stop by the town policeman.
“What’s wrong?” the cowboy asked. “I was just heading my ewes into a side street.”
“That’s the trouble,” the policeman replied. “No ewe turns permitted on Main Street!”

Manual clock repairers

“Manual clock repairers who are hands on are ticking away!”

The knitter

“The knitter did not say much but she shrugged a lot!”

Some tequila

I can't afford long dist

Nosey Neighbors

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer...
I saw it clearly through my binoculars!

“On Halloween, what i

“On Halloween, what is the most read part of a newspaper? The 'Horrorscope.'”

A man who touches a woman̵

I bought some metal boots. The

I’ll Forget

Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500.
Al: Yes.
Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money.
Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half.

“Long after a barrage

“Long after a barrage of eggs is ova, smashed pumpkins remain gourd offal.”

Before live-action pornography

Game Systems

What do you call a game system with a tic tac stuck in it?
Mint Condition!

A gang member was holding his

NED: I just got kicked in the

Steadfast In My Beliefs

A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you."
The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them."

They say homosexuals can’

“Fairgrounds are medi

“Fairgrounds are mediocre coffee.”

I Order You To Pay $10,000

Judge: "I order you to pay $10,000."
Mario: "Why?"
Judge: "It’s a fine."
Mario: "No itsa not!"

If you live in a tsunami zone,

Slowest Man on the Job

The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?"
"Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."

“Asked to repair a sh

“Asked to repair a shorted radio from the dumpster, the electrician refused to refuse refuse.”

When you post graffiti on my w

“The stock boy was ho

“The stock boy was hogging all the available display space. He was being shelf-ish.”

If you touch the Queen's

“Scientists have fail

“Scientists have failed to get pandas to eat synthetic food, because they are hard to bamboozle.”

The War of 1776

Little Johnny's homework assignment was about The War of 1776.
As Johnny was doing his homework he asked his father, "Who was it that said 'we haven't started to fight yet'?"
"A bride and groom, still on their honeymoon I guess," growled his dad.

Pet Name

Igor: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?"
Boris: "Because it’s not old enough to be a buck."

“Some students pore o

“Some students pore over their lessons, while others just give them a preflunktory glance.”