Short jokes - funny one liners (3041 to 3080)

They say homosexuals can’

“Fairgrounds are medi

“Fairgrounds are mediocre coffee.”

I Order You To Pay $10,000

Judge: "I order you to pay $10,000."
Mario: "Why?"
Judge: "It’s a fine."
Mario: "No itsa not!"

If you live in a tsunami zone,

Slowest Man on the Job

The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?"
"Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."

“Asked to repair a sh

“Asked to repair a shorted radio from the dumpster, the electrician refused to refuse refuse.”

When you post graffiti on my w

“The stock boy was ho

“The stock boy was hogging all the available display space. He was being shelf-ish.”

If you touch the Queen's

“Scientists have fail

“Scientists have failed to get pandas to eat synthetic food, because they are hard to bamboozle.”

The War of 1776

Little Johnny's homework assignment was about The War of 1776.
As Johnny was doing his homework he asked his father, "Who was it that said 'we haven't started to fight yet'?"
"A bride and groom, still on their honeymoon I guess," growled his dad.

Pet Name

Igor: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?"
Boris: "Because it’s not old enough to be a buck."

“Some students pore o

“Some students pore over their lessons, while others just give them a preflunktory glance.”

Love Is Blind

Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date...
Today I asked her to marry me...
She said no on both occasions.

Tooth Fairy

Bob: Last night I put my tooth under my pillow. This morning I found a dime there instead.
Joe: When I put mine under my pillow, I got a dollar.
Bob: WOW! You must have buck teeth!

Apprentice housekeeper

“An apprentice housekeeper is maid to order.”

Don't Do It

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"
His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

Wrong Number

You have $400 and your daughter calls and needs $250. Later on you son calls and needs $100.
What do you have left?
$400 and 2 missed calls!

The local trade school

“The local trade school did not have enough students for their electrical course and thus decided to give it a plug.”

Judge: I hope you realize what

A man went to the All Star

A man went to the All Stars game with two front row seat tickets. He sat down and then another man asked him if the other chair was taken. The man said " no, it was supposed to be for my wife." The other man said " well where is she? And he... ( See Rest )

Body shops

“Body shops do a bang up business.”

Adam and Eve are wondering

Adam and Eve are wondering wether they are black or white. Eve says why dont you go and ask god. So Adam goes into the garden of eden and shouts out to god are we black or white? A big booming voice bellows out YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.
He i... ( See Rest )

Food Network Show

Didya hear the one about the new show planned for TV's Food Network sponsored by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm?
It's called "Cook the Books"!

Baby puns

“Baby puns are childish, but great puns are full groan.”

Christmas Alphabet

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
25... there's no 'L'...

“A goat giving birth

“A goat giving birth is just kidding.”

Q:What Do Tree's Drink?

Q:What Do Tree's Drink?
A:Root beer

#joke #short #drinks #beer

Features Of A Baby

"Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy's nose, didn't you?"
"Yes, darling."
"Well, you'd better keep an eye on him... he's got grandpa's teeth now.

 Blind Question And Answer Jokes

Rain Rain Go Away

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

“My financial adviser

“My financial adviser says the thing about naked calls is there's too much exposure.”

Builders at Work

Artist: "This is my very latest painting. I call it 'Builders at Work'... it's very realistic."
Friend: "But they really aren't at work."
Artist: "Of course, that's the realism."

“While its true I've

“While its true I've been raking it in lately - when it comes to my neighbor's trees I wish they would just leaf me alone.”

Large Singing Group

"How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?"
“A choir?”
"Okay, fine... how much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group?"

Codebreakers

“Every day, the feuding codebreakers had cryptic cross words.”

Husband: I want divorce. My wi

Burning Calories

Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes."
Friend: "How?"
Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."

Courthouse

“A courthouse is where you can play indoor tennis.”

Five Miles

My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"