Short jokes - funny one liners (361 to 400)

His Favorite Is Luke Skywalker

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character.
You should've seen the Luke on his face!

Rolling Her Eyes

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Money Aged Over Youth

60 may be the new 40...
But the $100 dollar bill is the new $20 dollar bill.

Birthday Bonus

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.
I knew right away who sent it...
It was my Uncle Ben.

Bedbugs In Love

Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.

On A Safari

Mr. and Mrs. Morrison were on a safari in Africa.
As they were walking through the jungle, a huge lion comes creeping out towards them, ready to pounce.
"Shoot!" Mrs. Morrison screamed to her husband. "Shoot!!"
"I can't!" he yelled back. "I'm all out of film!"

Which Haunted House

SON: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
DAD: What's wrong with the one we live in?
SON: Huh?
DAD: Goodnight...

Bad Breath

We should have a way of telling people when they have bad breath.
Something like, "Well, I'm bored... let's go brush our teeth."
Or, "I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth for me, will you."

Baboom

Forgot my Pin for the 3rd time today...
As expected, I'm now banned from Grenade training.

A Brushing Pal

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

A Time Saver

I ordered new coats for my kids...
For convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.

A Proper Drum Kit

My son wanted a proper drum kit for his birthday but I got him a miniature one.
I'm now expecting wee percussions.

Organ Flip

I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down.
He says it’s an inside joke.

All Dressed Up

When a strip club isn't open there should be a sign that reads:
"Sorry, We're Clothed!"

Seeing Voices

I accidentally put eye drops in my ear...
Now I can literally see what you’re saying!

One Train Hears Another

How does a train hear another train coming?
With its engineers.

I Grilled A Chicken

I grilled a chicken for two hours...
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

Lead Balloon

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon...
It never really took off.

A Dangerous Place

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous...
So many of my first dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Mary's Little One

Mary had a little lamb...
And two nurses who passed out in the delivery room.

What My Doctor Told Me

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said "less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.

A Relaunched Air BnB

Two doctors decided to invest in an Air BnB. Despite all their marketing, they couldn't attract even a single customer.
Eventually, they decided to call their venture "Doctors Without Boarders."

Time Warp

The coffee shop had a sign that read: Pretend its 1973!
So I paid 10 cents and lit up a cigarette.

Say What

When my 14-year-old son, Patrick, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"
After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry folks, that's PAT Hogan!"

Failed hydro dam

Baby, Maybe

On a visit to the zoo, a small 3 year old boy passes the stork exhibit and looks up at the birds intently.
As his family then moves on, he turns to his father and says, "Gee Daddy, they didn't even recognize me."

Furniture repo men

Bills To Pay

A man asked me for a dollar.
I told him I only carry big bills.
He said give him one of those.
So I gave him my electric bill.

Would I like to be a sandwich

Strippers are often infertile.

Dyslexic clairvoyant nurse

Politician's Sandwich

On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.
He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.
"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

My girlfriend complained

Random Letters

Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see....
Me: (Scream intensifies)

A nation full of insane people

5 short jokes for great Friday

I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case.

Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel

How do you make an eggroll?
You push it!

What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day

How do eggs run so fast?
They’re afraid of being beaten

Very few Broadway actors live

Copy Cat

Teacher: "Laura, were you copying Mandy's answers?"
Laura: "No, Miss Morris, I was seeing if she got mine right."

Cat's Meow

I took my cat’s meds by accident...
Don’t ask meow.

Only a Half Wit

Joe: "I've heard about your wit."
Moe: "Oh, that's nothing."
Joe: "Yeah, that's what I've heard."