Short jokes - funny one liners (361 to 400)

Wrong Answer

My wife asked me what my favorite time to have sex was?
Apparently "when you're at work" was the wrong answer.

Hear ab

Unplug the Machine

I now know how it will end for me...
One of my kid's will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Dentistry At It's Best

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.

Which Lord of the Rings charac

A Cell Number

What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.

Managing a web site about pigs

In the Wild West, there were m

How do you hunt down a cunning

She Changed Her Name

She wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them.
So she changed her name to JKM345.

I love hunting for antique fur

If anorexic models are banned

Fetch A Nice Price

I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow and was told, "This is extremely rare. Do you know what it would fetch in good condition?"
"Dunno," I said. "A stick?"

Before proving his own existen

Satan took my colander. No sur

Transportation Prayers

I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...
But when I drive, my navigation device doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.

For a pun about blind dates, t

Alphabet Killer

A British guy stabbed the 12th letter of the alphabet several times.
Bloody L.

If I Had A Dollar

If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me to grow up...
I could build the coolest tree house ever!

A Woman in Walmart

I saw a woman in Walmart with March Madness teeth...
She was down to the Final Four.

Dear Pun Gents

Head Out On the Highway

I think the scariest part of the song “Born to be Wild”...
Is when they find a head out on the highway.

I want to get a 9 to 5 job, so

Amateur Autopsy Club

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined...
Wednesday is open Mike night!

Women's hormones promote

Last Thing I Want To Do

I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you... I have about five things on my list before I get there."

I got in line to watch Oppenhe

All the self-mutilators live i

Hand In My Pocket

Photographer to young man: "It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
Father: "It would be much more realistic if he had his hand in my pocket."

When I suggested that washing

Lazy Lady

I'm really good at being lazy...
In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy, I should expect a-trophy.

NED: I'd like to form a

Hobbled gynecologist

Atkins dieters

Here's Your Phone

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

I tried to convince my cow to

Puns ab

Castro breakfast

Canadian spies are relentless.

An imam's shoes