|
Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 1 to 40. |
Little Johnny and the Flies
Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.
Feelings
The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian."
"No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"
Pick Your Poison
In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison.
Poison I, II and III would all kill you.
However Poison IV, would make you really itchy.
Your Vote That Counts
In a democracy it's your vote that counts...
In feudalism, it's your Count that votes!
My 7-year-old asked me to take
My 7-year-old asked me to take him to McDonald's. I told him if he can spell it, I'll take him. He said, "Fuck it, take me to KFC."
Great short jokes for mid-week laugh
Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!
"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!
My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.
Superman calls to Lois Lane...
Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"
Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.
Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"
Definition of Math
Ever wonder what the definition of MATH is?
M... Mental
A... Abuse
T... To
H... Humans
Nut Jokes, to celebrate National Nut Day
National Nut Day is celebrated annually on October 22. Celebrate it with some jokes!
What did one nut say to the nut it was chasing?
"I'm a cashew!"
Why did the nut go to the doctor?
It was feeling a little nutty.
What do you call a nut that sneezes?
A cashew!
How do you make a walnut laugh?
You crack it up!
Why did the peanut get in trouble?
It was acting like a real nutcase.
What did the pecan say to the walnut?
"We're friends because we're both nuts!"
Why are almonds always optimistic?
They always see the glass as half full of nuts.
What is a squirrel's favorite streaming service?
Nut-flix.
Why did the nut go to school?
To become a little smarter.
Why did the squirrel dismantle the clock?
To get to the nuts inside.
What did the nut exclaim when it sneezed?
"Cashew!"
Why did the nut blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why are nuts so bad at getting along?
They always drive each other nuts.
What do you call a nut in space?
An astro-nut!
Why was the peanut butter upset?
It was feeling a bit salty.
Why did the nut get a job?
It was out of cashew!
What did the nut say when it had a bad day?
"Oh, nuts!"
Why did the walnut win the race?
It was ahead of the pack.
What's a nut's favorite genre of music?
Rock 'n' roll!
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew a check.
What do you call a nut with a hairy lip?
A pistachio!
What do you call a nut in space?
An astronaut!
What's the best way to catch an elephant?
Hide in the grass and pretend to be a peanut.
Where's the best place to find out facts about nuts?
The inter-nut!
What noise did the nut make when it sneezed?
Cashew!
What kind of spread does the Queen like the most?
Peanut butter!
What's the most valuable kind of nut?
A cashew!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A hungry squirrel!
When do peanuts make you feel good?
When they're complimentary!
Which nut wears a bra?
A chestnut!
How do you know if someone's lost their marbles?
They start playing with their nuts instead.
What's the most expensive nut?
An almond leg!
Which nuts are small, brown and hang from branches?
Monkey nuts!
What nuts can you wear on your feet?
Cashews!
Why did the squirrel sit in the same spot all winter?
He'd buried his nuts there.
Which nut cries the most?
An assaulted peanut!
What's the most common name for girl peanuts?
Michelle!
Did you hear the joke about the peanut, pistachio and cashew?
It was nut funny!
What did the nut chasing another nut say?
I'm going to cashew!
Why did the motorist spread peanut butter on the road?
So they'd have something to go with the traffic jam!
My Girlfriend Isn't Talking to Me
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid...
Instead of Drew, I'm going to name my kid Driew.Now I know what you're thinking, but it's only weird if you read it backwards
What begins with V, every woman has...
What begins with V, every woman has, and they can use it to get what they want?Voice
What To Buy
My girlfriend is impossible to buy for so I asked her best friend what I should get her for her birthday.
Best Friend: “Does she like you?”
Me: “Oh yes, I am positive she likes me!!!”
Best friend: “If she likes you, she’ll like anything.”
I Will Miss Them
My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit.
I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions.
Instructions read: "Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children."
Debt Free
"I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time...
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time.Because sin90= cot 45
My therapist said to write letters to people ...
My therapist said to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
Artist Girlfriend
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween - halloween jokes
I said to my wife “There’s only one thing that scares me during Halloween.”She said: "Which is?"
I said: "Exactly"
Why is 9 afraid of 3?
A joke my son told me: Why is 9 afraid of 3?Because he was squared of him.
Coffee Jokes - to celebrate International Coffee Day
International Coffee Day takes place on October 1, an occasion to celebrate coffee as a beverage and have fun with Coffee Jokes
I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.
Not made by me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call sad coffee?
A depresso.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.
What did the coffee say to its date?
"Hey there, hot stuff!"
What's the best Beatles song about coffee?
"Latte Be."
Why did the barista get fired?
They kept showing up latte.
What do you call a cow who's just given birth?
De-calf-inated.
Check out some older Coffee Jokes on page 25 jokes that blend well with coffee
Why do coffee shops have bad Wi-Fi?
Because they want you to espresso yourself instead.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
"I don't have a problem; I have a solution."
How is divorce like an espresso?
It's expensive and bitter.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch?
Because he was pressed for time.
What do you call it when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.
How are coffee beans like teenagers?
They're always getting grounded.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do programmers prefer dark coffee?
Because light attracts bugs.
What do you call it when coffee hurts you?
A brew-tality.
What do you call a newborn coffee bean?
A little squirt!
How does coffee relax after a long day?
It unwinds by brewing itself.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why do coffee beans always show up early?
Because they get roasted!
Why did the espresso keep checking his watch?
He was pressed for time.
What’s a coffee’s favorite spell?
Espresso Patronum!
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a cow who just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
How do programmers prefer their coffee?
They like it in Java.
Why do coffee lovers prefer dark roast?
Because light roast keeps them up at night.
What happens when you steal someone’s coffee?
It causes a mug shot!
Why was the coffee shop so quiet?
Because everyone was staying grounded.
I used to be a barista,
but I got fired for being too grounded.
What do you call a sleepy coffee bean?
A drowsy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that can't sleep?
Caffeinated.
What do you call a coffee bean that's always late?
A tardy bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really small?
A tiny bean./p>
What do you call a coffee bean that's really strong?
A robust bean.
What do you call a coffee bean that's really weak?
A feeble bean.
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot? Don’t worry about him—-he’s just a product of our times.
Unclear Question
My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report.
The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?"
I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"
After many years of marriage, I think...
After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy. Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."
The Only Country
The United States is the only country where a housewife hires a woman to do her cleaning, so she can do volunteer work at the day care, where the cleaning woman leaves her child.
Go figure.
