Sport jokes (1966 to 1980)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1966 to 1980. |
Two football players were taki...
Two football players were taking an important final exam.If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Window's vs. The Titanic...
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
On a tropical island
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.
Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
You Might Be A Redneck If 51
You might be a redneck if...
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
Snowboarding Lesson
Snowboarding Lessons
When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."
People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"
Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
Ancient Chinese Proverbs...
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
What Will You Do For Golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
JOB DESCRIPTION
...
JOB DESCRIPTION
POSITION :
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs Five Dollars. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat just in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face overly stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of several multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and cleaner work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that university will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
How Old Are You?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Stumping Dear Abbey
...Stumping Dear Abbey
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I could never trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who is raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a pyschiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for some three months and I didnt know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Lesson in logic...
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"
Three Chairs for the Baptists
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golfcourse and
invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many
weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show
up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there
wasn't a pew
available. Several church members were already seated on
folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service,
saw the three Baptist deacons
enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the
nearest usher,
"Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the
back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg
your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the
minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still
on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and
distinctly. "Three chairs.
For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to
face the
congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the
assembled
worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
College Student Q and A
College Student Q and A
Q: What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q: Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Lexington, Kentucky . . . He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
SINGLES AD
This ...
SINGLES AD
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
(They say men ARE so easy)
