Sport jokes (226 to 240)

A New Machine

Went to the gym and there's a new machine.
I used it for an hour and felt sick.
Its good though, it does everything.
Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, etc...

 Describe Professions

What does your profession say about you?
1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

“I got a red card at

“I got a red card at the football match. I soccer punched an opponent.”

High Holidays Seating Request Form

During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
   ___ Talking section
   ___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer?
   (Indicate order of interest:)
   ___ Stock market
   ___ Sports
   ___ Medicine
   ___ General gossip
   ___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
   ___ The rabbi
   ___ The cantor
   ___ The cantor's voice
   ___ The cantor's significant other
   ___ The rabbi�s significant other
   ___ Fashion news
   ___ What others are wearing
   ___ Why they look awful
   ___ My neighbors
   ___ My relatives
   ___ My neighbors' relatives
   ___ Presidential Election, results from
   ___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
   ___ My children/grandchildren
   ___ Other:_______________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
   __ Doctor
   __ Dentist
   __ Nutritionist
   __ Psychiatrist
   __ Child psychiatrist
   __ Podiatrist
   __ Chiropractor
   __ Stockbroker
   __ Accountant
   __ Lawyer, General Practice
   __ Criminal Lawyer
   __ Civil Lawyer
   __ Real estate agent
   __ Architect
   __ Plumber
   __ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
   __ Sexologist  (??)
   __ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
   __ Other:____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
   __ On the aisle
   __ Near the exit
   __ Near the window
   __ In Aruba
   __ Near the bathroom
   __ Near my in-laws
   __ As far away from my in-laws as possible
   __ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
   __ Near the pulpit
   __ Near single men
   __ Near available women
   __ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
   __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
   __ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
   __ Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH)
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
   __ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
   __ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
   __ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
   __ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
   (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________

Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
this change): $________________________

Mailman's last day on the job

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

 Rules For Hunting Lawyers

Washington state attorney season and bag limits

---

1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS

1.	Yellow Bellied Sidewinder	2
2.	Two-faced Tort Feasor	3
3.	Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator	5
4.	Big-mouthed Pub Gut	2
5.	Honest Attorney	EXTINCT
6.	Cut-throat	2
7.	Back-stabbing Whiner	2
8.	Brown-nosed Judge Kisser	2
9.	Silver-tongued Drug Defender	$100 bounty

My Favorite Exercise

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called lunch.

“Snake! Run!”

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!”
His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?”

 Jokes About Death

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

You Must Be A Visionary

Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they're life time.
The other boy replied, "Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!"

An old blind cowboy wanders in

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times...’

A perfect shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting your wife from here."

Found on http://www.annualpartee.com/humor.shtml - Golf Jokes and Cartoons web site, posted on April 2005.

"There’s a lot of letters in

"There’s a lot of letters in Ladanian Tomlinson"
"A team should never practice on a field that is not lined. Your players have to become aware of the field’s boundaries."
"The best way to gain more yards is advance the ball down the field from the line of scrimmage."
"If you lose your best cornerback and punter, I’d say that’s a double loss."
"It’s 3rd and 20..They need a good play here."
"See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands."
"When you have great players, playing great, well that’s great football!"
"Ruben Brown made that play there, well I mean he missed the guy completley but he was able to create just enough room for Thomas Jones by whiffing. The air he created on the miss gave Jones enough space to score."
"If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the Wide Receiver catches it,. It’s a touchdown."
"If this team doesn’t put points on the board I don’t see how they can win."
"Whenever you talk about a Mike Shanahan offense, you’re always going to be talking about his offense."
"Some yards is better than none yards?"
"Here’s a guy, here’s a guy who when he puts his contacts in, he can see better"
"Usually the team that scores the most points wins the game."
"Mark Brunell usually likes to soak his balls before a rainy game."
"When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to."
"They’re either going to run the ball here or their going to pass it."
"The Dallas Cowboys have 2 types of plays in their playbook. Passing plays, and running plays."
"When its raining the field gets wet, then all of a sudden everyones running slower?"

Rescued on a Desert Island

A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years

when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.

She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.

“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.

“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.

With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.

The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.

“Man, that is good!” he says.

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.

Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.

Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.

The man opens it and takes a swig.

“This is the best day of my life,” he says.

The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.

“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.

“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”

Alternative ending:

Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Alternative ending:

Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?

Alternative ending:

Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got Internet?

Many similar jokes to this one online, with alternative punchline and a bit altered text, oldest one found on http://www.mnscuba.com , Scuba Jokes Forum page, posted by Punky Offline on February 25th 2003

Fishing in a puddle

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught?'

‘You're the eighth.‘

Found on Tell Funny Stories - A willing victim letting himself be caught joke, posted October 24, 2010