Sport jokes (241 to 255)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 241 to 255. |
An old blind cowboy wanders in
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times...’
A perfect shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting your wife from here."
Found on http://www.annualpartee.com/humor.shtml - Golf Jokes and Cartoons web site, posted on April 2005.
"There’s a lot of letters in
"There’s a lot of letters in Ladanian Tomlinson""A team should never practice on a field that is not lined. Your players have to become aware of the field’s boundaries."
"The best way to gain more yards is advance the ball down the field from the line of scrimmage."
"If you lose your best cornerback and punter, I’d say that’s a double loss."
"It’s 3rd and 20..They need a good play here."
"See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands."
"When you have great players, playing great, well that’s great football!"
"Ruben Brown made that play there, well I mean he missed the guy completley but he was able to create just enough room for Thomas Jones by whiffing. The air he created on the miss gave Jones enough space to score."
"If the quarterback throws the ball in the endzone and the Wide Receiver catches it,. It’s a touchdown."
"If this team doesn’t put points on the board I don’t see how they can win."
"Whenever you talk about a Mike Shanahan offense, you’re always going to be talking about his offense."
"Some yards is better than none yards?"
"Here’s a guy, here’s a guy who when he puts his contacts in, he can see better"
"Usually the team that scores the most points wins the game."
"Mark Brunell usually likes to soak his balls before a rainy game."
"When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to."
"They’re either going to run the ball here or their going to pass it."
"The Dallas Cowboys have 2 types of plays in their playbook. Passing plays, and running plays."
"When its raining the field gets wet, then all of a sudden everyones running slower?"
Rescued on a Desert Island
A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years
when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.
“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”
Alternative ending:
Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got Internet?
Many similar jokes to this one online, with alternative punchline and a bit altered text, oldest one found on http://www.mnscuba.com , Scuba Jokes Forum page, posted by Punky Offline on February 25th 2003
Fishing in a puddle
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth.‘
Found on Tell Funny Stories - A willing victim letting himself be caught joke, posted October 24, 2010
Flea Jokes 02
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E Flea!
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
Shot it!
What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?
What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!
How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!
What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!
Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!
What Time Is It?
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another
jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. With other joggers passing by it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
Found on https://forums.runnersworld.co.uk, posted on July 2003 by Wolfy forum member.
Question Answer 07
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!
How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!
What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!
What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!
Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
Doctors - What They Say / W
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean"This should be taken care of right away."
Meaning: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
Meaning: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
Meaning: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Meaning: I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- or -
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Meaning: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Meaning: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Meaning: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Meaning: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Meaning: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Meaning: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Meaning: I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Meaning: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Meaning: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
Meaning: The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Meaning: Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Meaning: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
Meaning: That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Meaning: I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.
Fishing On The Lake
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Kids & Canoeing
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
The Lamaze class was in full s
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Bar girls and hockey players
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bar girls and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!
The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
Joke found on forums.anandtech.com, posted on Sep 5, 2001 by forum user Wingznut
