Sport jokes (256 to 270)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 256 to 270. |
Kids & Canoeing
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."
The Lamaze class was in full s
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Bar girls and hockey players
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bar girls and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!
The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
Joke found on forums.anandtech.com, posted on Sep 5, 2001 by forum user Wingznut
Walking with your partner
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Question And Answer Blond Jokes
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.
A Japanese family just arrived
A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.
After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...
"What do you mean wrong hole?!"
John decided to go skiing with
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
Travel To Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Donna's husband Mike died sud
Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,
"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said ..... It's tough to staymarried. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink frommy glass!Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexynegligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I wentover. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are yougoing to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hatemyself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's whenyou put a bagover your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchenthe roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hearthe Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me fromChicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't ofhad anything to play with.
Little Johnny Goes Fishing
Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."
Promotion to Montreal
Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.
Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!
Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?
