Sport jokes (421 to 435)

Power Outage

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining
and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.

 

Famous Mothers Quotes

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still could have written!”

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story. Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

Into the Olympics...

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He is not to bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. USA. Fencing."

A Barbie Doll

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

The first day of bear hunting

The first day of bear hunting season and the hunter is walking down the trail. He comes to a clearing and sees a very large bear in plain sight and takes a shot. When the smoke clears he looks and doesn't see the bear. Suddenly he feels something tapping him on the shoulder. It is the bear and the bear accuses him of trying to shoot him. The hunter denies this repeatedly but the bear makes the hunter pull down his pants and bend over a log where the bear has his way with the hunter. The bear finishes and goes on his way.
The next morning the hunter is ready for a little payback. He is walking down the same trail and sees the same bear. This time the hunter cleans his sight and takes better aim. When the smoke clears he looks and finds the bear gone again. He throws his rifle down and starts cursing. Then the hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear again accuses the hunter of trying to shoot him. The hunter persistently denies until the bear makes him pull down his pants and bend over the log again. After the bear is finished the hunter hobbles back to his camp.
The third morning the hunter is ready to make the bear pay for the last two days indescressions. He was up all night cleaning his rifle and adjusting his scope. He finds the same bear at the same clearing and takes very careful sight. He slowly squeezes of the shot and when the smoke clears he once again missed the bear. He takes his rifle and throws it into the woods...
At that moment the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

During the local match, a spec

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

Surprisingly good at tennis is Eddie Vedder, but Roger is even Federer.

#joke #short #sport #tennis

 Some Fishing Terms

Ten common fishing terms explained
Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

Two women were at a bar. One l

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

Gators gone?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

 Sleeping On The Job

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"Amen"

 Oregon Crazy Law

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.

Dishes must drip dry.

It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.

You may not pump your own gas in service stations.

The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.

One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee.

Beaverton

You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Eugene

It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.

It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)

Hood River

Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.

Klamath Falls

It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Portland

People may not whistle underwater.

It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)

You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.

Marion

Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek

One may not box with a kangaroo.

Salem

Women may not wrestle in Salem.

Springfield

It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.

Stanfield

No more than two people may share a single drink.

Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

#joke #doctor #animal #horse #snake #kangaroo #pet #food #onion #garlic #eating #sport #fishing #wedding

“I asked Kermit the F

“I asked Kermit the Frog what he was hunting for. He said, 'Rabbit, rabbit.'”

In primitive society, when nat

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground withclubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilizedsociety, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight andnot too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,practice constantly -- or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannotcount, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are thosein front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, playeighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words weretaken.

"Excuse me, but does this bus

"Excuse me, but does this bus go to the football game?"
"No, it doesn't."
"But, there's an ad for the game on the front of the bus."
"Yes, and there's an ad for Boston Baked Beans on the back of the bus, but we ain't goin' to Boston, neither."