Sport jokes (436 to 450)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 436 to 450. |
An old guy was working out in
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.He asked the trainer that was near by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."
Miracle worker...
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"
Adults Have Learned
Great truths about life that adults have learned
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
- There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
- Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Outdoorsy Man
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level
He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'
Safe To Swim Here?
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
The golf challange...
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."
Question Answer 08
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!
Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!
Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
NOTICE OF RECIPROCAL COLONIZATION – Yet another response
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to the Commonwealth of Nations, including, but not limited to, Canada (which is already a state, excluding Québec), Australia, New Zealand, Bermuda, Jamaica, etc., and any other nation lacking the inspiration to create for themselves a national flag not resembling the Union Jack:
In light of the fact that although America stands firmly on her own two feet, this nation has been formed with ideas derived from some of the children of the best free thinkers in 17th century Great Britain, and has been rooted in such. Therefore, the citizens of the United States of America hereby impose the following decree as our birth rite:
1. Like our 'mother' has previously done, the citizens of the United States of America now impose unilateral colonization upon the above fore-mentioned 'nations,' which are for this day forward to be deemed and to which referred, 'Colonies of the United States of America.'
2. As 'mum' taught us best, none of the Colonies shall have any representation in our globally expansive government, however, fear not as they will be taxed thrice as heavily as any of the members of the Original Fifty States, and this shall be deemed a privilege.
3. All currency in ridiculous color-coded Monopoly board game pastels shall be destroyed and replaced with the correct currency colors of green, black, and white. Failure to forfeit such will be treated as both servile insurrection and submission of testimony on one’s behalf to illiteracy and need for color to sort one’s purse.
4. The President of the both the United States of America and her Colonies shall be determined by the residents of the state of Florida consisting of mostly senior citizens, expatriated Canadians, Cuban refugees, and in the future – the now disbanded British Royalty. This will be deemed a fair representation for all.
5. English will be removed as the official language of the former UK and the former Commonwealth of Nations as well as the like for English and French in Canada. The Colonies will conform to the United States’ policy of no official language as the English language is to be enriched with the words of the world, not purified of them.
6. Police will no longer be called Bobbies in the UK. The appellation of 'toque' for a cap or hat will be forbidden in Canada. Words spelled like 'centre' will not be removed, but restricted. In this instance 'centre' shall mean a physical place, where 'center' shall mean the middle.
7. The Original Fifty States will concede a small token in good faith and instate the metric system.
8. The Oxford English Dictionary shall be renamed the Harvard-M.I.T. Dictionary of the Global English Language.
9. Excluding the incontrovertibly inevitable linguistic derelicts of any society, all members of the Colonies shall be required to keep a vocabulary on par in volume with that of the current average American of the day, and not simply Standard Received English as is spoken by many Geordies, Scots, Welsh, Nova Scotians, and Southern States Americans.
10. Obsolescent pronunciations such as 'roit' for right, 'ad-ver-tiss-mint' for advertisement, which by the way will pick-up a ‘z’ to replace the ‘s’ in the former American spelling, shall be banned.
11. Any citizen of America or her Colonies caught speaking the letter ‘z’ as ‘zed’ shall be latched into the town center’s stocks, head and hands, for the townspeople to mock.
12. The citizens of America’s Colonies, with the exception of Canada, shall be required to actually read the spelling of ‘aluminum’ as used in the Original Fifty States, to conceptualize how it is not said with ‘-inium’ as the ending pronunciation. These individuals will be screened as per items number three (3) of this list.
13. The existence of ‘types’ of English shall be abolished. All English, e.g. U.S. English, U.K. English, Canadian English, etc., shall be called English, with the exception of Scots English, which will now be called Greek.
14. The second level of all buses, a.k.a. lorries, coaches, etc., will be removed.
15. Education will commence to eradicate the jousting gene from the citizens in Colonies where the medieval idea of driving on the left still exists, including the U.S. Virgin Islands.
16. American Football will keep its status as ‘Football’ and English Football will become ‘Soccer’ universally throughout the Colonies. This means France will have to change to 'Le Soccer' or 'Le Soc.'
17. There will be no more warm beer, and the citizens of the Colonies will no longer be subjected to watered-down macro beers such as Budweiser and Miller. Real American beer will be had by all.
18. Everyone in the former British Isles shall be required to see an orthodontist on a regular basis.
19. Time shall be referred to as the following: WDC + 05:00 in London.
20. The new states of England, Scotland, Wales, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland & Labrador, Price Edward Island, New Brunswick, Nunavut, Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand, Antigua, Barbados, Bahamas, Belize, Salomon Islands, St. Kitts & Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent & the Grenadines, South Africa, Trinidad & Tobago, and Western Samoa shall each receive a star on the flag to represent their statehood. In addition, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory will be renamed the state of Arctic and the state of Yukon, respectively - each receiving a star to represent their statehood as well. Finally, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam shall all be granted statehood and issued a star on the flag. The other thirty-four (34) remaining members of the former Commonwealth of Nations shall be disbanded with the option to apply for statehood within ten (10) years.
21. Hong Kong will be returned to Colony status - we do not bow to China.
22. As of November 21, 2000, 57% of Americans from the Original Fifty States were proficient in more than one (1) language, representing 157,691,225 people speaking two (2) or more languages and over 90,000,000 who speak a language other than English at home. All Colonies will be required to maintain that 50% of their territorial population can speak more than one (1) language, with the exception of Quebec, where, due to the prevalence of French, 80% of the inhabitants shall be required to be bilingual or better.
23. The Colonies will now be permitted to purchase the good American cars and will no longer be restricted to the bottom of the line models, as is prominent in Europe.
24. Outside the Original Fifty States and the former Canada, the numbering system shall be reorganized as such: 000 = thousand; 000,000 = million; 000,000,000 = billion; 000,000,000,000 = trillion; 000,000,000,000,000 = quadrillion, and so forth.
25. Measuring your weight in stones will only be permitted when inebriated.
Real Estate Sale – UNITED STATES – The Battle Continues
The British Government has revoked the Declaration of Independence. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, has placed the USA on the real estate market. Monies raised shall contribute to the upkeep of the British Monarchy.
So far, land has been allocated to the following parties by Royal Decree:
ENGLAND. Wish to reclaim and retain their original East Coast territories e.g. New England, Massachussetts, Virginia etc etc. These parts were colonised in the time of Queen Elizabeth I so it would be neat if they were reclaimed by Queen Elizabeth II. Any exceptions to this are as noted below and are granted out of Her Majesty's generosity to fellow European nations. We don't actually want to live in these places, you understand and, in due course, we will ship out our unemployed or undesirables to these states since Australia won't accept them any more.
THE NETHERLANDS. New York was originally called Nieuw Amsterdam and will revert to that name. The term 'yankee' is derived from the Dutch 'Jan Kees' ('John Cheese' - a generic person) and the willingness of certain parties to call themselves or others 'Yankees' is the manifestation of a subconscious desire to return to being a Dutch territory. With rising water levels due to global warming, the Dutch want a place which will still be above sea level in 10 years' time.
NORTHERN IRELAND. Since the US is so damned interested in Northern Irish affairs and has bigger St Patrick's Day celebrations than the Irish in their native country, it seems sensible to relocate the Irish to Utah (demonstrating that Her Majesty has a sense of humour). A state will be bought for them as a gift from the British Government. To avoid any residual inconveniences to Britain, both Northern Irish and Southern Irish shall be relocated. They'll fit right into the gun-culture and it will save on postage costs for NORAID. Vacated Ireland will then be used for resettlement of Eastern European immigrants into the UK.
ISRAEL. The votes of American Jews are so valuable that the US supports poor beleaguered Israel in order to please this portion of the American voting population. Rather than fight over a little bit of desert stuck in the middle of a bunch of Muslim countries, it seems sensible to simply relocate all Israelis to America. Jerusalem can be recreated in Hollywood where it will be bigger and better than the original without the inconvenience of being a war-zone. 'Jerusaland' will be a theme park in Southern Florida. Since all Israelis do National Service in the Army, they will provide an immediate police/security force - and one without obesity problems. Israel will therefore have most of Southern Florida, excluding Miami which will go to Cuba.
CUBA Will get Miami, Florida. They currently have it in all but name. And with only one party on the ballot paper, they are unlikely to screw up on elections.
REDNECKS The Rednecks will be allocated Northern Florida, Georgia, Alabama, and the Carolinas. No-one else wants to live there. Incest and trailers will be mandatory in these states.
CANADA. They're only next door so Her Majesty is going to award them 'that scruffy bit of land next to their back yard' and ask them to get it decently under control. That way, they can let Quebec declare independence or sell itself to France and not be inconvenienced by the loss of a scrap of land.
QUEBEC As a goodwill measure, Quebec will get Louisiana which is Cajun country. No-one else wants the place since the staple diet of crayfish is considered unfit for human consumption. In winter, they can all close up Quebec and head south to warmer climes. Quebec/Louisiana will be renamed 'North Arcadia' and 'South Arcadia'.
FRANCE Will be co-owner North and South Arcadia.
MEXICO. The number of legal and illegal immigrants into the US makes parts of the US Mexican by default. Spanish is becoming the main language in many parts and Hispanics the main ethnic group. Might as well make it official. No-one's going to notice the difference. Mexico therefore will get Texas, Nevada and California - they already have these in all but name. The Pacific Ocean will eventually claim coastal California anyway.
ITALY New Jersey will go to Italy who already control it anyway via the mob. Only the paperwork remains to be filed ...
JAPAN They will get Hawaii … at long last. Sumo wrestling will be the Hawaiian national sport.
TEXACO Have put in a bid for Alaska. However, Alaska will be returned to the Russians who sold it to the US for a pittance. They can then sell the oil on to Texaco and get the Russian economy going again.
GERMANY Germany will get Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. The 'Pennsylvania Dutch' are in fact of German origin. Pennsylvania will be turned into a special reserve (a 'living museum') for reclusive religious orders which shun the trappings of modern life such as Shakers, Amish and Pennsylvania Dutch.
UNITED NATIONS Will take control of all American Armed Forces. We mean the real armed forces, not the private militias. Private militias are, of course, free to apply to Sierra Leone where there are plenty of employment opportunities, unless of course you are racist in which case South Africa may be more appropriate. That way the UN-controlled US Forces can come along and beat the sh*t out of you just like they've always wanted to do, but never been allowed to do.
ARYAN NATION Aryan Nation will get Idaho. Idaho will become a white supremacist state. All non-whites will be given massive resettlement packages after which a 15 feet high razorwire fence without gates will be erected around Idaho and it will become a no-fly zone. Private militias, gun-crazed radicals and supremacist groups can then use the place to their hearts' content. It will be a closed state so they can only wipe out each other due to having no-one else to wipe out. Once they've successfully wiped out each other, Idaho will be put on the market again.
NATIVE POPULATION A bit of South Dakota will be allocated in perpetuity to the American Indians. They will also get Manhattan Island back. Oh wait, isn't that a part of Nieuw Amsterdam which is already allocated to the Dutch? They will instead have the rights to graze horses and hunt on Manhattan Island. But we'd like our beads back please.
ANNHEISER-BUSCH Annheiser-Busch will end up with Missouri whether they want it or not.
ILLEGAL ALIENS An alien is an extraterrestrial. A person from another country is a 'foreigner' not an 'alien'. Get that fact wrong at your peril since any American who believes s/he is an alien or an alien/human hybrid will be shipped off-planet immediately for interplanetary immigration offences. After that, it's up to you to find your way back to your planet of origin or get your parent to come pick you up. Any American wishing to opt out of this deal by being abducted by aliens is free to do so. Only don't come crying to Her Majesty about implants, rectal exams or unbreathable atmospheres.
MISCELLANEOUS REQUESTS UNDER CONSIDERATION: We are looking for a buyer for San Francisco. Norway will have Minnesota, and anywhere coastal that they can hunt whales. Microsoft will have Washington State. Bill Gates will have the big White place. Intel will have Oregon. Ford wants Michigan
Yo Mama Is So Fat
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
