Sport jokes (1216 to 1230)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1216 to 1230. |
Really funny jokes-Over the tree
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Good jokes-Cover them too
“We are the only newspaper which is aware that other than subjects like politics, sports, celebrity gossip, business news etc, some people are particularly fond of finding faults (like puzzles) in news prints. We try and cover them too. "
Standing At The Gates Of Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Too Much Hunting
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
As Seen On Bumpers
* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
* "All generalizations are false."
* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."
* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"
* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
Blonde Pulled Over for Speeding
A traffic cop out on patrol for the first time stops aspeeding sports car. Inside is an attractive young blonde
woman. The cop asks for identification and the girl says she
has no identification on her at all. Unsure of what to do
the cop radios for advice.
"Just stick your cock through the window." he is told.
"Are you sure?" he ask.
"Yes, just stick your cock through the window."
So the cop goes back to the car and sticks his cock through
the window.
"Oh no!" says the blonde. "Not another breathalzser test!"
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Baseball bat...
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
If men ran the world...
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
- Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
Rider
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
