Sport jokes (1231 to 1245)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1231 to 1245. |
As Seen On Bumpers
* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
* "All generalizations are false."
* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."
* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"
* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."
* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"
* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."
* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."
* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."
* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"
Blonde Pulled Over for Speeding
A traffic cop out on patrol for the first time stops aspeeding sports car. Inside is an attractive young blonde
woman. The cop asks for identification and the girl says she
has no identification on her at all. Unsure of what to do
the cop radios for advice.
"Just stick your cock through the window." he is told.
"Are you sure?" he ask.
"Yes, just stick your cock through the window."
So the cop goes back to the car and sticks his cock through
the window.
"Oh no!" says the blonde. "Not another breathalzser test!"
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Baseball bat...
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
If Women ruled the world...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a 'good catch' simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- 'Ms.' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks.'
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like:'I'm sorry,' 'I love you,' 'You're beautiful,' 'Of course you don't look fat in that outfit.'
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
If men ran the world...
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
- Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
Rider
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
There was this little guy sitt...
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.Really funny jokes-Obama at the Bank
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"
Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Really funny jokes-Baseball fan
Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.
The man replied, 'No.' So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
'Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?'
The man answers, 'Oh, that was my wife's seat.'
'Where is she?' the guy replied.
'She died.'
'Oh, I'm sorry ... don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?'
'No, they couldn't come.'
'Why?'
'Because they are at her funeral.'
Good jokes-The borrowing neighbour
"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.
"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?
Gone Fishing
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and again on the third. Finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says: "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $1,500?"
The other guy says: "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
