Sport jokes (1306 to 1320)Jokes about sports. These are the jokes listed 1306 to 1320. |
Golfing Challenge
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.“What's wrong?” a woman asked.
“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.
“What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”
“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.
He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.”
“What's a gotcha?” asked the woman. “That's what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!'”
“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.
“Sure,” the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”
“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?”
The pro answered, “You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!'”
Hilarious jokes-Toss a coin
Peter arrived late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"
Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin."
"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.
Peter answered,"I had to toss it 40 times."
A Man's World
You know you're in a man's ideal world when:– Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
– Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a “Nice hustle, you'll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
– Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
– At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You're #1!”
– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Having arrived at the edge of ...
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Camping
Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction – moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.
“That was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”
“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.”
An elderly couple was in bed o...
An elderly couple was in bed one night, and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.She said, "I had a dream that I died, and you got remarried." She asked him, "if I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?" He said, "Sure, I dont want to spend the rest of my life lonely."
Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?" He replied, "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."
She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"
He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive; there's no reason to rid of it."
She asked irately, "Well, would she use my golf clubs?" He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."
An elderly couple was in bed o...
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."Little Johnny was at football ...
Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?"Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts cant jump!"
Little Johnny was at football ...
Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, P...
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Funny jokes-Walking on water
The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.
The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."
Two man playing golf were held...
Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”
Good jokes-Story of a King in Africa
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"
"What do you mean, "this is good!" How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you!"
The best way to end a fight...
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman, "if that was true, that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
