Sport jokes (1291 to 1305)

Steven Wright 21

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

What do batteries run on?

Are there any questions?

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Two men were out golfing. As o...

Two men were out golfing. As one was ready to take his shot, a funeral procession drove by the golf course. The man stopped what he was doing, put down his club, and took off his hat and placed it over his heart. His partner was moved by this and said, "That's the nicest thing I've even seen you do!" The man looked back at him and said, "Well, that's the least I could do after 20 years of marriage..."

Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there's baseball in heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.”

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol….”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is Sol,” whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe says, “I got good news and I got bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You're pitching on Friday.”

You might be a redneck if 69

You might be a reneck if...

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

Golfing Challenge

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

“What's wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, ‘Just give me two gotchas.”

“What's a gotcha?” asked the woman. “That's what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!'”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said. “But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!'”

Hilarious jokes-Toss a coin

A Man's World

You know you're in a man's ideal world when:

– Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”

– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

– Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a “Nice hustle, you'll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

– Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

– At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You're #1!”

– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.


An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Camping

Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction – moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.

“That was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”

“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.”

An elderly couple was in bed o...

An elderly couple was in bed one night, and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.

She said, "I had a dream that I died, and you got remarried." She asked him, "if I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?" He said, "Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?" He replied, "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"

He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive; there's no reason to rid of it."

She asked irately, "Well, would she use my golf clubs?" He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."

An elderly couple was in bed o...

An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."

Little Johnny was at football ...

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Little Johnny was at football ...

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, P...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Funny jokes-Walking on water