Sport jokes (1411 to 1425)

David Alan Grier: Old Fashioned Terrorism

When I was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a terrorist act. That was the most evil thing you could do.

I was run over by a sports car...

I was run over by a sports car. Now I have Corvetture of the spine.

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

Going Fishing

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department

store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get

anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman

before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came

around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make

today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish

hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him

a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where

he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat

department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I

took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his

wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go

fishing.'"

Faster than a speeding bullet....

Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.

One day Bill Clinton was out j...

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.

Clinton was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!"

"I'll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's."

"I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill.

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don't look like you are handicapped to me."

The boy replies, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

A rich millionaire throws a ma...

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

Hockey injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers noticed and asked what happened.

Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.”

“I never knew you played hockey.”

“I don't,” said Andy. “I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup playoffs and put my foot through the television.”

Golf in Heaven

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.

"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!

One day in the future, Bill Cl...

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

A couple had been debating the...

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.

"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So he thought and thought then...

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.

Golfing Realities...

...

Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

Drum problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what's inside the drum?”

at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND ** JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand**j*bs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I
sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f***king good because I want a cheeseburger."

#joke #animal #chicken #fruit #apple #food #sandwich #drinks #beer #sport #golfer

Funny bumper stickers....

'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.'

'Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'

'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'

'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'

'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'

'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'

'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'

'REHAB is for quitters'

'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'

'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'

'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'

'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'

'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'

'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'

'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'

'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'

'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'

'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'

'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'

'He who laughs last thinks slowest'

'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'

'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'

'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'

'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'

'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'

'i souport publik edekasion'

'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'

'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'

'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'

'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'

'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'

'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.