Sport jokes (1486 to 1500)

Definition of Modern Woman

She drives a Red Sport Car.

She has a hyphenated last name.

She thinks Cooking and Fucking are two cities in China.

Football FINALLY makes sense. . .

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Pee in the pool....

Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," insisted Little Johnny.

"That may be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Personal ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever dog.

Marine Biology

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

Fishing

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your Johnson ?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
'Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your Johnson ?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and the reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your Johnson?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

Essex tongue

How to speak with an essex tongue!!

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an?item

amant-? Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband? - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.

awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost

("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t'day")

branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the

maff")

eye-eels? - Women's shoes

Furrock? - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig")

Saffend? - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan -? The city of London, the big smoke

webbats- Querying the location something or someone is ("Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I've? gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is ("I told ya a fazzand times?already")?

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Mike Vecchione: Flight to Australia

I was in Australia last year. Thats a long flight. That flight was so long, I got the girl next to me pregnant. We raised the child on the plane. Time for us to land in Sydney, get him a rugby scholarship.

Rednecks Flying Home

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

My Dear Sirs;

In repl...

My Dear Sirs;

In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws.

Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed.

I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license.

I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the women’s relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross.

For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance.

My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until I’ve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race.

Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and … here is your money!

How I Got to Heaven

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

"Vice President Cheney is...

"Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all beef dinners? Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too?" -- Jay Leno

Died Suddenly

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.
Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,
"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

You might be a redneck if 59

You might be a reneck if...

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.

You think Tang is in the fruit group.

You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.

You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.

You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.

You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.

The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

A rich millionaire throws a ma...

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"