Wedding jokesJokes about weddings. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15. |
62 corny jokes to get you through Monday
- Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
- You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
- Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
- Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
- If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
- How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
- You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
- Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
- I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
- What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
- Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
- What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
- What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
- What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
- What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
- Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
- Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
- What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
- What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
- Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
- Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
- Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
- Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
- Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
- It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
- Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
- I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
- Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
- My job is secure. No one else needs it.
- It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
- Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
- What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
- Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
- What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
- My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
- I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
- Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
- Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
- Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
- I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
- I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
- What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
- What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
- Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
- Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
- When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
- The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
- The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
- Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
- Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
- Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
- What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
- Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
- I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
- The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
- Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
- Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
- What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
- I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.
5 new jokes from the High Plains Comedy Festival
I’m from Texas.
I don’t sound like it – because I learned to read.”
~Usama Siddiquee
I’m polyamorous.
That means I love cats and dogs equally.”
~Mishka Shubaly
Once you reach age 35, you are not allowed to go on vacation alone.
It creeps everybody out.”
~Graham Kay
I might have kids someday. I don’t know.
Right now, I dont have time to come home and let them out.”
~Beth Stelling
My boyfriend and I just went to a destination wedding.
… Yeah, it was in Hell.”
~Katie Hannigan
The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2023 so far
Had my wedding recently.
I married a midwife, so she’s upgraded to a full wife.
~Ed Patrick
I hear the inventor of bubblewrap shoes has just popped his clogs.
~Olaf Falafel
People ask me about my anti-ageing secrets.
I use a phenomenal eye cream called Not Having Kids.
~Liz Guterbock
I drink decaf coffee.
I like my coffee how I like my men - missing everything I need.
~Sasha Ellen
How is everyone?
I just signed an NDA, so can't complain.
~Darren Walsh
Love is very powerful because it can make you look at a shirt and say,
'I wore that on our first date'
and completely forget you also wore it at a rectal exam
~Ian Smith
Family is important, because they’re the only people who know what you’ve been through,
and that’s because they caused half of it.
~Philipp Kostelecky
Men love fixing things.
Except themselves.
~Ollie Horn
I love buying alcohol from the self-service checkout.
I'm in a bad place, and I need to hear a voice say 'Someone is coming to help you'.
~Alexander Bennett
Minimum wage workers SHOULD be allowed to do as little as possible.
I got a pizza from Deliveroo, it turned up an hour late, wrong pizza, squashed in the box somehow and I said ‘good!’
That’s how it should be.
5 stars.
Big tip!
~Bilal Zafar
Photo credit Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com
23 short rabbit jokes and puns
What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hop-timist.
What is a rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop.
What do you call a rabbit that’s raised indoors?
An in-grown hare.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14-carrot ring.
Where do rabbits work?
At IHOP.
How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood?
He’s hoppy.
How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.
What do you call a bunny transformer?
Hop-timus Prime.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.
How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Eggsercise and hareobics.
Why did the bunnies go on strike?
Because they wanted a better celery.
What do you call 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.
A friend of mine stole a rabbit.
Then he had to make a run for it.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs
a friend who is all ears.
I used to own a rabbit,
but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year.
He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch.
But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
You must be the Easter Bunny,
because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head.
He wanted a head of hare.
Got in a lift with an animal that looked a bit like a rabbit.
It was a hare-raising experience.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns.
They are not bunny anymore.
Marriage jokes, and few more fresh ones
There are 3 rings in a marriage...
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffer ring!
Why would you want to marry a geologist?
They'll make your bed rock.
My wife told me that none of my bee jokes are funny.
I told her that really stung.
Monk goes to heaven and is studying in the Library. Suddenly he screams with grief and rage.
"It says celebrate!"
What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible?
An eighth-theist.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.
Everyone said he was crazy,
but he was 0K.
Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the koalafications
Few new jokes to make Monday more tolerable
Today I saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
Guess he was working from home.
What did the tree say to the new spring flower?
I'm rooting for you.
- Why don't flowers like to ride bicycles?
Because they keep losing their petals!
- What did one spring chicken say to the other?
You are eggcellent!
- What falls, but never needs a bandage?
The rain!
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Yesterday, I watched our wedding video in reverse.
It was quite uplifting to see myself removing the ring from my wife's finger, exiting the church, and heading out for drinks with my closest buddies.
Talking Frog
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Choosing At the Altar
A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless.
The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.
Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”
Letters from Little Boys to God
Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear God, I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?NeilDear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.Mickey D.Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.BruceDear God,If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.RaphaelDear God,Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.GregDear God,Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.PeterDear God,You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.DeanDear God,Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?DougDear God,I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.Sam Dear God,I am American. What are you?RobertDear God,If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.JonathanDear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.LarryDear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.CharlesDear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!Eugene-
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."
His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."
The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
The Wedding Proposal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
