The best jokes (151 to 165)

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog...

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't f**kin' think so."

Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...

The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing.

Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.

Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.

Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.

The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.

Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"

Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."

I Wish I Was Rich

A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"

A car gets pulled over for inspection because...

A car gets pulled over for inspection because it's driving very slow on the interstate.

officer: ma'am, do you know how slow you were driving

woman: 25mph

officer: why were you driving so slow?

the woman: slow? There are signs everywhere that say I-25, so I was driving that speed.

officer: that's not a speed sign, it's the identification number of the interstate. license and registration, please.

As the driver reaches for the glove compartment, the officer sees the passenger sitting there, pale and shivering.

officer: are you okay? what's the problem?

passenger: we just got off the US-160

A family of three was heading to Kansas, and they got...

A family of three was heading to Kansas, and they got to the airport way early. The four-year-old son, super excited, kept wandering off, so his dad had to chase him down over and over.

Finally, the dad got tired and said, “If you wander off again, I’ll check you in with the luggage!”

Of course, the kid wanders off again. So the dad picks him up and takes him to the gate agent. The agent says, “Uh, sir, you can’t check in your own child.”

The dad sighs and says, “So… you’re saying I’ll have to carry on my wayward son?”

An elderly gentleman of 85 fea...

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Love for the In-Laws

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives...
I told her that is not true. I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."

Stability

I started out with nothing...
And I still have most of it.

Choosing a profession

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

a Bible,

a silver dollar, and

a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects! on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

An elderly, wealthy woman in F

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

A large two-engine train was c

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the driver thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The driver decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Potential Employee’s Application

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

“Well Sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!"

Success Is Relative

Success is relative...
The more success, the more relatives!

Christmas Evolution

The 4 stages of man...
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
He looks like Santa Claus.

Playing the Guitar

When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar... badly.