The best jokes (151 to 165)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 151 to 165. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
New short Jokes to start day with laugh
My local supermarket is exchanging old novels for certain root vegetables.
That's a turnip for the books.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It ain’t stroganoff!
Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don't know why.
It just doesn't add up.
When I was a boy, "The Jetsons" gave me unrealistic expectations about the future
. . . like having a job, a loving family, and a dog.
Not to brag but I made six figures last year
I was also named worst employee at the toy factory
A guy walks into a bar and people start lining up to punch him
Yeah that’s the punchline
How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
Wave!
Monday is easier with funny jokes
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!
A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!
Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!
My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years
What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.
I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?
Dad jokes to use for Father's Day, or after if you forgot
Too late for this year, but it is good to know you can give the gift of dad jokes next Father's Day. Here are just a few.
This girl asked me why I had an unlit cigarette in my tinder photo.
Well I told her that I’m looking for a match.
Math? I can tolerate algebra and calculus ...
but geometry is where I draw the line.
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
I like telling Dad jokes …
sometimes he laughs.
Sundays are always a little sad,
but the day before is a sadder day.
What kind of dog does a magician have?
A Labracadabrador!
What did the mama cow say to the calf?
It’s pasture bedtime!
What do you call an illegally parked frog in Philly?
Toad!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with shellfish?
An oyster bunny!
Answers on a postcard please!
Be thankful it's not snowing...
Imagine shovelling snow in this heat!
Act Your Age
When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked.
“No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!
Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!
Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.
Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!
A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.
A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!
Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?
Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.
Identifying A Bald Eagle
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Edinburgh Fringe
I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.
- Mark Simmons
I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back.
- Alec Snook
Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.
- Alex Kitson
I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.
- Arthur Smith
I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.
- Mark Simmons
My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes.
- Olaf Falafel
British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?
- Chelsea Birkby
I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
- Masai Graham
My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.
- Zoë Coombs Marr
The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.
- Olaf Falafel
I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.
- Sarah Keyworth
I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard.
- Roger Swift
Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply.
- Lou Wall
Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.
- Sophie Duker
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
- Olga Koch
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit...
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
English lessons
A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.
He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.
"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.
"My bike," the chief replies.
Kissing a model...
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
Klopman diamond....
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
Once there was a golfer whose...
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
old man goes to the Dr ...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "
Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
