The best jokes (166 to 180)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 166 to 180. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
You know you have a drinking problem when
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
...and you've never been to that bar before.
@galifianakisz's reputation precedes him.
http://on.cc.com/1AiZBXT
A young boy had just gotten hi
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit andenquired of his father, if they could discuss his useof the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'lltalk about the car."Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, andsettle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After aboutsix weeks they went in to the study, where his fathersaid, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought yourgrades up, and I've observed that you have beenstudying your Bible, and participating a lot more inthe Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I'venoticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson hadlong hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses hadlong hair and there's even a strong argument thatJesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice theyall walked everywhere they went?"
Don't marry Miss Green
I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."
He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"
I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".
He said: "You can't".
I said: "Why not?"
He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."
I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."
Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"
I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White."
He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."
She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"
Max Miller (1894-1963)
Picture: REX Features
Paying attention to those talking to you
Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you. There is an app for that- It's called respect. A man takes his place in the t...
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
A woman walked up to a little...
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
A couple is trying to have a b...
A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"
Two Irishmen robbed a bank
Two Irishmen robbed a bank and messed it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they found on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"Ten million pounds!"
"Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"
"I bought a house. How about your sack?"
"Bah... it was full of bills."
"And what did you do with them?"
"Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off..."
If you have an opinion about my life
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth. Dealing with stupid people
I've decided to add “extensive experience in dealing with stupid people” to my resume. That HAS GOT to be a marketable skill! What hapiness is
A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married.
By then it's too late.
Frank Skinner (January 28 1957-)
Picture: Reuters
Two bachelors...
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking,their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.
'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way --
'Take a clean dish...''
Grandma's Revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Superbowl Ads
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
The Golden Saloon...
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
