The best jokes (15001 to 15015)

We Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Jo Koy: My Inspiration

A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. Its also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

Vertical living

“Vertical living is flat dwelling.”

An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Dead Father

**THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY**** One night, when I was a little girl, I had a terrible nightmare that a crow came to me and told me that my aunt was going to drop dead the next day. I ran to my parent’s room and told my dad what happened. He calmed me down and told me it was OK. The next day, my mother received a call that my aunt had just dropped dead. That night, I had another dream that the crow came to me and told me that my father was going to die!!! I sprinted down the hall to my parent’s room and told my dad what had happened. He once again calmed me down and said it was going to be ok. But the next morning when he left for work, he was so distraught. The whole day, he thought that every step he took was his last. He came home that night and sat with my mother at the dinner table and said, "I had the most horrible day today." My mother then relied, "You think YOU had a bad day??? I had the Milkman drop dead on the porch!!!!!"

The will to live...

A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".

The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

Lightbulb Joke Collection 97

Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One--but he has to wait until the light is better.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again."
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

The Race…

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!”

Going to the movies

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

17 and under are not admitted.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: A...

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Beer Troubleshooting

Beer Troubleshooting ********************

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

Q: How can yo...

Q: How can you keep a five dollar bill from a Mexican?


A: Put it under a bar of soap.

My memory...

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

President Bill Clinton visits Pearly Gates

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on Earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

There once was a woman from Ee...

There once was a woman from Eeling,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She layed on her back,
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling!