The best jokes (15136 to 15150)

I have a new nose. Tha...

I have a new nose. That's sniffty.

What's a cannibal'

What's a cannibal's favorite snack? BFF jerky.

Jim Gaffigan: Lazy for No Reason

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor -- you ever just look at the letter and go, 'Hm, looks like they're never getting this. Takes too much energy to go outside.'

During the American Revolution

During the American Revolution...what did you call a scared and frightened militiaman fleeing down the same road as a British Loyalist?
Chicken catch a Tory!

How Churches might be in 2020

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!
PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.
CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.
CONGREGATION: Amen!

“When applicant numbe

“When applicant numbers to follow optometry were low, the School authorities decided to re-advertise, to dilate the pupils!”

Hear about the wig thief? He h

Hear about the wig thief? He had a hair owin' addiction.

There was a pretty nurse named

There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.
"Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring and all his presents?"
"Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."

I compulsively collect appetiz

I compulsively collect appetizers. I'm a bit of a hors d'oeuvre.

The Chinese cannibal bit off m

The Chinese cannibal bit off more than he could Chiu.

"Honey," a wife says to her hu

"Honey," a wife says to her husband, "our neighbor's wife has exactly the same coat as mine."
"Do you want me to buy you another one?" asks the husband.
"I assure you that it will be less expensive than moving to a new apartment," the wife replies.

Awkward

When Relatives Attack
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.

 

Passing an office building lat

Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that read, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

“I want to be a ceili

“I want to be a ceiling fan. You can see the whirled without leaving the house.”