The best jokes (15151 to 15165)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15151 to 15165. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The strange invitation
"Sure," replied Lewis. "It's been long since I socialized with anyone, would love to meet the town folks. Thanks for the invitation."
Swen said, "Lemme warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem." said Lewis. "Guess I can handle that."
Swen warned, "And some fightin' too."
Lewis said, "I do manage to get along with people. No worries."
Swen was about to leave and then he turned again to say, "You can expect some wild love making too."
"I don't have a problem with that!" Lewis says. "I've been alone for a long time. I will certainly come. Thank you." Then adds, "By the way, what should I wear?"
Swen replies casually,"Anything you like. It's gonna be just the two of us, unless you want to bring your dog along."
Kids jokes-Growing hair
I mentioned this to him and told him he needed a haircut again.
Pondering over the problem, he came up with a solution and said, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."
The switch
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk.As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field.
Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.
The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch.
After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her, "Well what happened?"
She replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!"
"Why?" asked Farmer Brown.
"Well when he took off his pants it wasn't but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage."
Farmer Brown said, "Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
An amazing dog...
There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :
"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."
So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."
The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.
Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.
The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"
The dog said "Meow!"
Student exams...
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.
Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.
Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
Profiting from Mistakes
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
Cemetery
A man placed som...
CemeteryA man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Imagination
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
Getting tough...
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulders muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, he would extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile, he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks. Finally, he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
“The doors just broke...
“The doors just broke, I could fix it, but it hinges on other things.”
Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? 
